Skip to main content

I Fart Therefore I Am

It's truly is the little things about this job that really bring an innocent smile to my face.  Like crop dusting (farting) at work.  The best happened one night, during my last shift, while managing a small bar called Cafe Muse.

Cafe Muse was a beer and wine bar located on the corner of Olympic Blvd. and Sawtelle Ave. in West Los Angeles.  The place was owned by a Persian family, and the clientele was primarily Asian.  So you can see that I fit right in with the place.

When I first started working there, I noticed that there was a lot of underage drinking going on.  I told all the servers and my boss, Alan, to card people no matter how old they looked.  It's better to risk feeling embarrassed about asking for an I.D., then to get caught by the Alcoholic Beverage Control, get fined, and jeopardize the business losing their beer and wine license.  Sure enough, on a night I was gone, ABC sent in some undercover agents, one of the servers didn't ask for an I.D., and he ended up serving a minor.

I'm back at work and Alan tells me what happened, but I got a sense that he was kind of blaming me for them getting busted.  At least they still could sell beer and wine.  The only thing that Alan did differently was finally hire a door guy to check I.D.'s before they came in.  Which, when I think about it now, it's a restaurant.  Anybody, any age can come through the door.  If they're underage, they just can't order booze.

Cut to a couple of weeks later.  It was a busy night.  I had done last call and was trying to close up while also trying to get customers to finish their drinks and get the hell out.  The door guy proved that he was worth the money by doing nothing but stand at the door.  Hence, the "door guy."  (Lou, I said "hence.")

Out of nowhere, Alan emerges.  He must have transformed from being a bat.  He comes behind the bar and scolds me for people still drinking past 2am.

"I'm trying to close up.  I can't go up to every table on my own," I said.

"I've been watching you for the past 15 minutes.  I can't have people drinking past 2.  The cops have been on my ass!" He yelled.

First of all, I'm creeped out that he was watching me.  Second, why the hell didn't he help me and the other servers?!!  But it didn't end there.

"It's not my fault the cops have been on you," I said.

"I can't have this.  You're fired," Alan stated.

Suddenly, it was as if I had been holding an AK-47 assault rifle in-between my butt cheeks, and it was jammed for awhile, but finally freed it up by hearing those words.  I couldn't control the blasts the were coming from my ass.  After I had heard "you're fired," I unloaded countless rounds of farts.  And my favorite part, I didn't move away from Alan, nor did he step away from me during my hail of flatulence.  He was somehow completely oblivious.

                                                       

"I'm going to need your keys," he said.

I handed him the keys to the place.  "Here you go."  All while still uncontrollably farting.

I've never smiled so much while being fired.

Like I said, it's the little things.





Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro





FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER CLICK HERE
"LIKE" ME ON FACEBOOK CLICK HERE

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Excuse Tips

It's ideal for a server to receive 18 to 20 percent gratuity for a job well done.  Now it seems that customers are looking to leave an excuse rather than a monetary tip explaining why they couldn't leave their server any money.  WTF?!! Of course, because my landlord would love to receive an excuse instead of a check for rent this month. "I don't have the money for rent, because I'm a writer/comedian.  But I adore this building.  So secure." The above picture was found on Yahoo.com .  One of the comments said that they thought this was an altered pic, but I have actually seen this happen to myself and co-workers.  And by-the-way, what if the server waiting on the woman was a single parent?  So the lady who wrote this has now started a domino effect on their server who is struggling to make ends meet.  And so on, and so on...  Get bent! I don't believe in saying that if you can't afford to go out, that you should never go out.  T...
89 comments
Read more

10 Ways To Get Better Service At A Restaurant

I have noticed that there are many variables that can lead to a bad dining experience, and for the customer to say that they received "poor service" has become cliche, and just the "go to" for when all things go bad in a restaurant.  Here is a Top 10 list to help customers have a positive experience the next time they dine out. 10.  SIT AT THE FIRST TABLE THE HOST GIVES YOU "This table's too round.  This table's too brown.  This table's just right."  You are not buying real estate.  So for you to pass on the first, then the second, and even the third table option the host gives you is beyond ridiculous.  The tables are all made the same, have four legs, four chairs, (if applicable,) and are strong enough to hold food, drinks, and purses.  And if you pass on a table, now you've messed up the floor plan that the host has prepared at the beginning of their shift, and everybody in the restaurant takes notice as you are aimlessly walking a...
31 comments
Read more

I'll Show You How to Wait!!!

Customers love being waited on hand and foot.  But there are some customers who love to tell me HOW to wait on them hand and foot.  I call these customers "waiter watchers."  They weigh their waiter down with all of the crap that they tell them they should be doing, and when they should be doing it. One time I was serving a table of five, and everybody had order an appetizer and an entree.  But one person in the party had ordered a salad in addition to his appetizer.  I asked him when he wanted to have his salad served, and he told me to bring it before everyone got their appetizer.  So that's what I did.  Next thing I know, I'm getting pulled aside by the guy who is host of the group. "Why did you only bring out the salad and nobody else's food?"  He demanded. "Your friend had asked that I bring his salad first so he could get it out of the way, since he ordered more food than everybody else," I pleaded. "You should bring all ...
12 comments
Read more