Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Dine LA Brings Out the Cray Cray

I survived another Dine LA restaurant week.  Dine LA is the St. Patrick's Day for foodies.  Most of the people participating in it are amateurs, don't go out in public much, but somehow think they are culinary critics.  Pretty much all the people who write on Yelp.

I had three Asian ladies sitting in my section.  They were giving me a very bitchy vibe, but I tried to ignore it.  One of them was drinking wine, but they all were there for Dine LA.  When clearing the first course, the wine lady yells, "I'm not done with that!" when I tried to clear her plate.  She had her fork across her plate and only had a piece of lettuce left.

Then at some point, the wine lady snaps at my co-worker, holds up the wine menu and says she needs another glass.  Listen up:  Not all servers look alike, you racists!

They get their entrees, and then, the real bitchiness happens.  They call me over and the wine lady asks me about some of the greens on her Seabass.

"Is that dirt?" she asks.

"I can't really tell.  But it looks dark," I answer.  "It's really meant to be a garnish.  We use organic greens, so sometimes this happens.  I would be happy to have them make you a new plate."

"No, I like the fish.  I just didn't know if I was supposed to eat that.  I don't normally see dirt on things when I go out.  I didn't know if that was on purpose or an accident.  Should I eat it?"

"If you're not normally accustomed to eating dirt, then I wouldn't eat it."

Yes, I ACTUALLY said that to her.  Give me a break.  When you break this down, she was asking me if she should EAT DIRT.  Unless you're at a vegan restaurant, or you're 5 years old, who the hell would be serving and eating dirt?

They took it the wrong way because one of the friends chimed in.  "She was just asking a question.  I don't think she appreciated what you said.  Can we talk to the manager?"

"Okay."  And I walked off to tend to my two other tables near them, who were neglected because of my dirt debate with the whino.

I tell my manager.  She smooths things over and tells me that they are happy with the service and food.  Whatever!  So I go to clear their entree plates--very carefully this time--and the whino says to me, "You know, I was just asking you a question, you didn't have to take it personally!"

This is when I turn on the fake empathy and make them think that I care.  "I was just concerned that you weren't happy with your meal.  And I wanted you to enjoy your dining experience here."  Boom.

They have their desserts and then demand the check.  They give me three credit cards to split the check between them.  Then the whino lady says, "And take off the two glasses of wine!"  I just stared at her.  "Your manager said that she was going to comp them."

So I go tell my manager and sure enough, she didn't say that.  But like all people who complain, they did get a discount for being horrible people.  And I'm just waiting for the Yelp review.  Because Asian women are drawn to Yelp like Hello Kitty.

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."










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Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Yelp Auction

The more things I see and hear about Yelp makes me believe that this company is owned by the Nazis.  Extortion, pay-to-play reviews, and false info make this company a necessary evil for businesses in this day and age.  But it's not right, and now even the Yelpers are trying to cash in on the blood money.

I found this a few weeks back through Bitchy Waiter.  It's one of those lame "People Like Us On Yelp," stickers--a would-be 'badge of approval'--that was being auctioned off on Ebay.  My favorite part of this has to be the description of the item:


I have for auction something that you just can't put a price on. It took me 16 long, hard years to earn this and you can have it for just 1000 peso's. I have sweat, shed blood, walked miles, been a slave, worked my entire behind off (its really true, I can't even sit in a chair, I just fall straight to the ground), and downright given my soul for this sticker. It is BRAND NEW and still smells so fresh and so clean. Ready for you to place on the window of a really crappy establishment and fool people. When people see this sticker in the window, they know that they are about to get superior service, and exquisite food. You will make millions of dollars in your first month, and the money will never stop. Who needs Gordon Ramsey or John Taffer.........them guys don't have a clue. You don't need to re-decorate, no need for a menu change, just this sticker. You can totally cut your wait staff, people will be happy to serve themselves........You can even go down to one cook. People will wait for hours for their food. Imagine all the dough that you will save on labor! This thing will pay for itself......and it can be yours in just one click! Happy Bidding and congratulations on your first million! 

So apparently, all restauranteurs have had it wrong this whole time.  The restaurant I'm at right now doesn't need to be renovated.  We just need to get rid of the waitstaff, go down to one cook, and PRESTO!  Instant success.  All you need for success is just need this crappy sticker!  

And how the hell did it take this person 16 long years to get this sticker--which he sacrificed his soul for--and it's still "brand new?"  But bad news everybody though, it's been sold.  For a bargain of $46.00!!!  Which is way less than a 1000 pesos.  The person who bought it saved $31.00, AND will now be an instant millionaire from the flocks of customers that are going to be flooding the doors.  

Forget about being innovative, just stick with a menu from the 80's/90's.  The proud new owner of this sticker will now be ahead of the pack by having a cruise ship-like menu consisting of classics like Cherries Jubilee, Baked Alaska, and Quiche Lorraine.  YUMMY!!!  Wash all of that down with some Bartles and Jaymes wine coolers and you are ready to hit the town and go party at The Roxy.

The only thing people like on Yelp is attention.  Attention that they can get by hiding behind their keyboard and being a cancer to society.  Just like the guy who auctioned off this sticker, who calls himself a chef?, I can only say one thing to Yelp... GET BENT!!!

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."










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Friday, July 4, 2014

'Merica

Many years ago, we declared our independence from the tyranny of Great Britain, and began our journey as a country.  I'm sure that after signing The Declaration of Independence, the guys went out for drinks and apps at one of their favorite restaurants to celebrate the start of a sovereign nation.  And they were likely served by a waiter who wasn't able to get the day off, even though he had requested it off a month prior.

I can only hope that Samuel Adams, Benjamin Franklin, Richard Stockton, and the 53 others made it worth their server's while by tipping him well, because he was stuck working all day while they were getting drunk and waiving their Cocked Hats around while folk dancing to "Yankee Doodle."

The July 4th celebrations will continue on from today throughout the weekend.  Remember that bartenders and servers have not declared our independence from customers, so when you put your "John Hancock" on your credit card slip, leave a 20% tip.  Cash tips are greatly appreciated as well.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMERICA!!!  Launch your fireworks.  Eat hot-dogs and drink beer.  Sing the national anthem.  We deserve it.

Now tip your servers.

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."








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