Friday, November 30, 2012

Customer Sudoku


Customers like to have proof that the food is good.  I can understand.  Who the hell wants to eat something that tastes bad?  But when I go down the ENTIRE menu with you, and give you my opinion of all the dishes on the menu, then that should be that.  No other proof should be required.

Until this couple sat in my section one night...

"So what's good here?"  The wife asked.

"We're known for oak grilled steaks and fish.  A great selection of martinis.  Some of my favorites are the NY Steak, or the Fish and Chips," I said while pointing to the items on the menu.

"I don't see Fish and Chips," the wife not paying attention to where I had just pointed on the menu.

"We have it."  I smirked.  

"Are the Fish and Chips good?"  The husband asked.

"They are.  They are actually one of my favorites."  Notice the repetition going on.

"Do people order them a lot?"

"They do.  It's a pretty popular entree," What is this?  Some sort of entree popularity contest?

"Do the people who order them a lot think it's good?"  The wife asked looking me as serious as ever.

"Yes.  All of them did."  Hang on.  I'll give all those guests a call and ask them.  Give me a second while look up their numbers.  How much more do you need?!

If you don't like to take chances and try different things, I'm fine with you ordering the same thing everytime you come in.  But other then that, there will now be a three question cap on all menu questions.  Think of me like a Genie.  Think wisely about your questions.

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of one?  Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

People Who Need People


It sounds harsh, but after dealing with people yelling at you that their steak is overcooked, undercooked, still in the form of a cow, I kind of have a hard time dealing with people's antics on a day-to-day basis, and that is probably also the reason why many places offer their employees a "shift drink," (an alcoholic beverage for free at the end of their shift,) to try to soothe and pacify what had just happened to that server or bartender during their shift.

As Josh hilariously said on the podcast, "I can't even like my grandparents now, because they remind me of some of the customers."

Seeing all of the horrible things that have been happening in our country with people going "postal" on other people, I would not be surprised if the next person to go "postal" is a server.  I just had a customer the other day flip out on me because we couldn't get his salad out to him fast enough."

"Where's my salad?  My friends have already started eating their lunch, and I still don't have my f@*king salad!"  He barked.

"I apologize about the wait sir, but your salad accidentally went to another table, so we had to remake yours.  It will be out shortly," I calmly said.  Like it was my problem that he had rude friends who don't wait to start eating until EVERYBODY had their food.

"If I don't get my f@*king salad, then you're going to have to take it off my f@*king bill!!!"  He continued his rant.

"Of course.  I understand.  But you'll get your salad."

I then went back to the kitchen to make the chef make the salad faster by staring at him.  Which is standard procedure to make food come out quicker.  While I was waiting for the infamous "f@*king salad," both of my co-workers came back to tell me that they were accosted by this man the same way that I was.

"Just tell him to get bent," I told them.  Which means his food is up in server talk.

And sure enough, I brought the man his salad, he ate it, I check back with him, he grunted, "It's fine!" and no blood was shed... yet.

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of one?  Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro


Monday, November 5, 2012

Excuse Tips


It's ideal for a server to receive 18 to 20 percent gratuity for a job well done.  Now it seems that customers are looking to leave an excuse rather than a monetary tip explaining why they couldn't leave their server any money.  WTF?!!

Of course, because my landlord would love to receive an excuse instead of a check for rent this month. "I don't have the money for rent, because I'm a writer/comedian.  But I adore this building.  So secure."

The above picture was found on Yahoo.com.  One of the comments said that they thought this was an altered pic, but I have actually seen this happen to myself and co-workers.  And by-the-way, what if the server waiting on the woman was a single parent?  So the lady who wrote this has now started a domino effect on their server who is struggling to make ends meet.  And so on, and so on...  Get bent!

I don't believe in saying that if you can't afford to go out, that you should never go out.  There are ways to go out to a nice restaurant, not spend a fortune, and still be able to take care of your server.  (Appetizers and desserts can be shared, for example.)  But saving money by not tipping your server should NEVER be considered.

The above picture's "single mom" excuse is terrible and non-excusable.  Her check was $138.35.  It wasn't going to put her out that much more to tip 18 percent.  Now she has just cast a bunch of bad karma on herself and her child, who is probably already getting beat up and picked on in school.  Oh, but wait, she's a single mom, so she'll just tell that to her child when they ask why they have such bad luck his/her life.

I am not writing this column saying that it is easy being a single parent.  My hats off to single parents, and how hard they have to work.  But you should never make YOUR problems, your servers problem. Go out.  Have a good time.  And tip 20 percent.

And please check out The Bitter Bistro Podcast, now on iTunes.  Subscribe.  Comment.  Rate it.

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of one?  Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro