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Showing posts from 2019

I Got Yelped in Chinese!

I've made it.  Much like when an actor gets a stalker, or an athlete gets called up from the minor leagues, I have made it!  I got Yelped in Chinese.

I am no stranger to Yelp.  I have been Yelped, been commented about Yelpers, and people have commented about the Yelpers who have Yelped about me.  But now I have been put on blast in Chinese.  Perhaps by some descendant of an ancient Taoist monk, who has been waiting for the opportunity to express their disgust with their experience in black ink, wooden block, and parchment paper.

Let's be honest, when someone takes the time to leave you a scroll in Chinese characters, you know it's got to be something serious.  And since I am a serious person, I took the time to have it authenticated and translated.  It's legit.  (Thanks Google Translate.)  Here you go. 

"To all of my Yelp family.  I have NEVER had an experience like this before.  But first, let me say this... I'M NEVER COMING BACK!!!

I came here for a friend'…

Excited for Chicken!

There are certain things in life to be excited about.  My wife and I recently purchased our first home.  That's exciting!  The birth of my daughter.  EXCITED!  My wife graduated with honors from Pepperdine with a Masters degree in Clinical Psychology.  That is something to be excited about.  Chicken on a restaurant menu?  Bok!



Unless, of course, you are one of my customers.  Then excitement must ooze out of every orifice on my body, and burst through my stomach like “Alien” when talking about the chicken on the menu.  Does everybody realize that chicken is on the majority of every restaurant in the world? 

Here’s one of my many memorable conversations from a guest the other night.

Customer:  “Tell me about the chicken,”

Me:  “It’s a pan-roasted half-chicken, that’s semi-boneless, served with yada-yada-yada.”

Customer:  (Blank stare.)

Me:  (Better blank stare.)

Customer:  “You don’t seem that excited,” he finally said.

Me:  “Well, I don’t have enough room here to do any backflips.…

10 Ways To Be A Good Customer

Customers are at it again.  Over the past couple of weeks I've had one fall off his barstool and have an asthmatic attack, another bumped his balls into a pole while leaving the restaurant and said he was going to sue because his balls were bleeding, and another complained that his drink was overpoured the first round so he should get that much every time.

So with the holidays creeping up on us, it's time to roll out a quick list of how to act when dining out.




1. Sit at the table you were given.
Too many times I've seen the poor host have to escort people around the restaurant like a Shephard with its flock because people don't like the table that they were given.  It's not real estate, it's a table.  Four legs, hardtop, and you sit at it.  "This table's too cold.  This table's too loud.  This table's too hard."  Have a seat Goldilocks, your server will be right with you.

2.  Get off your phones.
We are too obsessed with staying connected! …