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Showing posts from 2019

5 Tips For Surviving Office Holiday Parties

It's the most wonderful time of the year ... to get drunk at your office holiday party and make a complete fuck of yourself.  But before you give the waitstaff things to talk about for weeks, let me help you out and give you a few tips of my own before you put on that red and green holiday dress, or Christmas Tree tie.  My advice when hopefully allow you to have a good time, make it home safely, and still be employed. NUMBER 5:  DON'T ASK YOUR BARTENDER TO POUR EXTRA ALCOHOL  Whether or not it's a hosted or cash bar, don't tell the bartender to put a little more in your drink.  We get it, you're a lush.  Either that or you have never been out to a place that serves alcohol, but the bar will not be going anywhere.  Meaning, that after you finish one drink, you can go back and get another, like a person who doesn't have a closet drinking problem.  Anybody who asks for more booze in their cocktail has just become a target for ridicule amongst the service staff

The Plastic Straw Epidemic

Straws have become the new enemy of environmentalists and turtles.  Apparently, turtles have huge cocaine habits and we have been enabling them with our use of plastic straws.  They have been killing themselves using straws to get their fix.  Luckily the ones that didn't die from the straws stabbing their brains, managed to live a bit longer to tell their tales.  They admitted to having a problem and told their stories at the local CA (Cocaine Anonymus) meeting Wednesday nights in Beverly Hills. But the damn straw controversy has got to stop. Now the solution for restaurants has been to use paper straws.  But that brings on a NEW set of problems... soggy straws that don't SUCK up the liquid.  How have they been getting in the hands, or stumps, of the turtles anyway?!?  It seems like the turtles are victims of a mob hit.  People are paying hitmen to give straws to these innocent turtles.           I say this with a hint of sarcasm because a lady and her family who were s

I Got Yelped in Chinese!

I've made it.  Much like when an actor gets a stalker, or an athlete gets called up from the minor leagues, I have made it!  I got Yelped in Chinese. I am no stranger to Yelp.  I have been Yelped, been commented about Yelpers, and people have commented about the Yelpers who have Yelped about me.  But now I have been put on blast in Chinese.  Perhaps by some descendant of an ancient Taoist monk, who has been waiting for the opportunity to express their disgust with their experience in black ink, wooden block, and parchment paper. Let's be honest, when someone takes the time to leave you a scroll in Chinese characters, you know it's got to be something serious.  And since I am a serious person, I took the time to have it authenticated and translated.  It's legit.  (Thanks Google Translate.)  Here you go.  "To all of my Yelp family.  I have NEVER had an experience like this before.  But first, let me say this... I'M NEVER COMING BACK!!! I came here for a

Excited for Chicken!

There are certain things in life to be excited about.  My wife and I recently purchased our first home.  That's exciting!  The birth of my daughter.  EXCITED!  My wife graduated with honors from Pepperdine with a Masters degree in Clinical Psychology.  That is something to be excited about.  Chicken on a restaurant menu?  Bok! Unless, of course, you are one of my customers.  Then excitement must ooze out of every orifice on my body, and burst through my stomach like “Alien” when talking about the chicken on the menu.  Does everybody realize that chicken is on the majority of every restaurant in the world?  Here’s one of my many memorable conversations from a guest the other night. Customer:  “Tell me about the chicken,” Me:  “It’s a pan-roasted half-chicken, that’s semi-boneless, served with yada-yada-yada.” Customer:  (Blank stare.) Me:  (Better blank stare.) Customer:  “You don’t seem that excited,” he finally said. Me:  “Well, I don’t have enough room here to

10 Ways To Be A Good Customer

Customers are at it again.  Over the past couple of weeks I've had one fall off his barstool and have an asthmatic attack, another bumped his balls into a pole while leaving the restaurant and said he was going to sue because his balls were bleeding, and another complained that his drink was overpoured the first round so he should get that much every time. So with the holidays creeping up on us, it's time to roll out a quick list of how to act when dining out. 1. Sit at the table you were given. Too many times I've seen the poor host have to escort people around the restaurant like a Shephard with its flock because people don't like the table that they were given.  It's not real estate, it's a table.  Four legs, hardtop, and you sit at it.  "This table's too cold.  This table's too loud.  This table's too hard."  Have a seat Goldilocks, your server will be right with you. 2.  Get off your phones. We are too obsessed with stayin