Saturday, September 11, 2010

Splitting Visas... Counting Cash



The biggest scam going around restaurants these days are from the tables that want their check split 9 1/2 different ways. You know who you are. You're at a big table, (that the restaurant had to put together three small tables, to make your big table,) with 10 of your closest friends. Everything was perfect the entire night, then you get the check. Now nobody's close. And of course the comment that always follows, "This was the worst service, ever!"

Nobody wants to pay the check. Because you can't remember what you ate or drank, and you expect the server to keep track of everyone's consumption. (Sweet! All servers have the time to monitor the calorie intake at the table.) So the check gets passed around like a new born baby, but when you see how ugly it is, you make a face, put your payment inside and quickly get it to the next person without having the memory of it burned into your frontal lobes.

Thank God for the friend who also works as a volunteer accountant. This person is always a girl. They are the ones who make sure everybody puts in, and they always speak for the group when explaining the breakdown of the cash, credit cards, and promissory notes. Our country is a trillion dollars in debt, and this woman can decipher the exact amount for each bite taken by each person at the table. This is fantastic, but there is usually one problem, YOU ALWAYS COME UP SHORT!!! And not by a few dollars, more like 75 bucks. So now, when the server has to go back to the table and explain the lack of money for the bill, somehow it has become their fault, and one of your friends has to put in more than they should have, and when everyone leaves and the server finally has the time to close everything out, the person who is shorted at the end is none other than, the server. Of all the money that was thrown in for the bill, you didn't throw in enough for a tip.

Lesson learned: Friends don't let friends count cash and credit cards and not leave a tip.

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter, party of one? Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

I Am Your Server


"Can you tell our server that we're ready to order?" The lady in white barked.

"Of course. I am your server." said the frustrated comic/writer/ server for the lady in white's table.

This is all too common. Do all server's look the same? If they do then that's racist! Is it really that hard to remember the face and body composition of the person who's been standing over you since you sat down at your table, and repeated the specials back to you three times, because on the second time your friend couldn't resist the "I'll have the Halibut, for the 'Hell-of-it.' (HELLO!!! RIM SHOT! BAM!!!)

It was always fun too when the customers didn't believe that I was their server. "No. It was a bald man with an east coast accent and attitude." I just tell them, "Oh, he went on break. But I can take your order and give you attitude."

Even better... "Have you seen our server?" Actually one of my all time faves. This one I will give the customers a little leeway, considering the I was probably texting in the back somewhere waiting for the last possible second to approach the table. Don't judge. If you hadn't ignored me the past three times I approached the table, I wouldn't of felt like I had time to text my buddy about how the restaurant was sucking my soul from my head. "Yes I saw your server. He's out playing on the freeway. He'll be back soon if he doesn't get hit by a truck."

Like Darth Vader said to his tables, "MA'AM... I AM YOUR SERVER! And tonight's soup is Lobster Bisque."

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter, party of one? Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro

Can I have your autograph?


To some people, credit cards most be a new technology for them. "Wow! You mean you swipe my card and my bill gets paid?!" You use them at the mall, the body shop, and for your waxing lady. You never leave those establishments without signing the slip to complete the credit transaction. Then why are you doing this at restaurants? "I just ate a big meal. Don't have the energy to sign my name." Or, "if I don't sign the slip, then they won't be able to tell I actually ate the food that they claim I did." Hey David Copperfield, stop making both vouchers disappear by slipping them in your pockets. Or this one... stop signing one of the slips, and putting the signed copy into your wallet, purse, or satchel. Maybe it's a food coma? Now the server has to chase you down like Lindsey Lohan after her dealer.


Listen up people! You eat. We swipe. You sign. Done.

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter, party of one? Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro