The Bitter Bistro

(Re post from December 28th, 2008.) The holidays have once again come and gone. We're still eating leftovers and exchanging clothes that are the wrong size. But the one thing I'll always remember about working at a restaurant during the holidays are the "Holiday People." These are people that HAVE to eat at restaurants during the holidays because they were not invited anywhere else. Why? Because they're A-holes! (source, Joe Kelly.) And now these people take it upon themselves to walk into whatever dining establishment, without a reservation, seat themselves, and make the lives of servers and bartenders miserable as if they are related to Scrooge. Everything is wrong: Too expensive! The pour is too short on their glass of wine! The service is too slow. I'm too smiley! Don't say "Merry Christmas," I'm Jewish! Don't say "Happy Holidays," I celebrate Christmas! And of course, the biggest "Bah Humbug" of all.

(Re post from November 18th, 2008.) Didn't your teachers tell you that you couldn't chew gum in class? Well, the same goes for restaurants! And what's even more disgusting is how this is now the server's responsibility to dispose your mangled morsel of Trident. There are a few people who attempt to have SOME class by asking for a paper napkin to place their gum in and then put it on a plate to be immediately thrown out. But for most... either directly on their dinner plate or better yet, on the TABLE. Now the gum just sits in the middle of a showdown with the server and the customer to see if either one is going get rid of the gum, or if it is going to become a permanent fixture on the table for all to see for weeks to come like an art exhibit on tour at museums across the country. Is fresh breath necessary before you consume alcohol and food? I can see how Extra's "Bubble-mint" flavored gum really enhances the flavor of a filet and your pinot noir, b

(Re post from September 24th, 2008.) You've seen them in restaurants. Usually wearing some sort of leisure suit! They look authoritative, but still walk aimlessly around doing nothing more than getting in everybody's way. That's right! They're the Managers! If you are wondering why you might be getting poor service, or why the staff seems to be a little too stressed out, (even though the restaurant isn't that busy;) chances are a manager has reared their ugly mug into the equation. That's their job. Making a servers job harder then it already has to be. Here's a little known fact... you ever want to get a free meal? Free anything? Throughout your meal, say everything is fine to your server, or bartender. Then when presented with your bill, call the manager over, and complain about how uncomfortable your chair is, or how the dim lighting in the restaurant gave you food poisoning. 9 times out of 10, something will be free. Maybe your ENTIRE check. I

(Re post from March 14th, 2008.) People think they can get away with anything when they're eating out at a restaurant. The other day, I over-heard a conversation of a lady sitting at the table across from me tell her waiter this, "I'm allergic to: 1. Beef 2. Dairy 3. Peanuts 4. Garlic, and 5. Lettuce. What would you recommend?"... I recommend you get back in your mother's womb and finish cooking! You're not done, you ALLERGY FREAK!. Eat at home. Who let you out of your bubble? Put it this way, if you have a severe enough food allergy that warrants you to admit that "lettuce" will kill you... stick with the water. I know people enjoy taking "shots" after meals, but not of "epinephrine." Remember, Bartenders/Servers don't pay their rent with compliments. Until next time, Bitter? Party of one. Your table is ready.

(Re post from October 5th, 2007.) "Euro-summer" is over.-- To those who have never worked in the "service industry," that is the time from June to the middle of September where our "friends" from Europe venture forth to the land of the free to vacation, dine and complain. The one thing that they forget to pack in the carry-on, is the "European to-the-rest-of-the-World" dictionary. I understand that English is not everyone's first language, so I would not expect a bartender/ server in a restaurant, in a foreign country to be able to speak it fluently. But when I can't speak French, in my own country, I now have somehow disgraced my nation, and my forefathers because I cannot understand how you want your eggs cooked. By the way, in President Bush's next "State of the Union" address, he is going to announce the ground-breaking discovery we've made with eggs here in America. Scrambled. Poached. Omelettes.--What!? No

(Re post from July 8th, 2007.) The question that soooo many of us who have plowed through the numerous restaurant and bar jobs have heard before... Are you an actor too? Whenever I was asked this, I was amazed at how quickly I could justify blowing somebody up. "Your honor, my client was merely telling the customers the specials of the day, when unsuspectingly, all of there heads exploded. He was amazed that he wasn't hurt." Customers seem to think that colleges have offered degrees and courses in serving and bartending. Although I did go to UC Santa Barbara, (where bartending was more like an elective,) and I haven't check the class schedule at Devry lately, for the most part, most of us found that the restaurant job allowed us to make a living while pursuing our other endeavors. I would love to see the day when I run into an aspiring accountant waiting tables at a restaurant waiting for his big "accountant" break! And as my mom always would tell me, &quo

(Re post from July 2nd, 2007.) I think that many customers have failed to believe that sound travels. "Can we get a table in the quiet section of the restaurant?" Are you dining at the library? "Of course. How about a nice table between "non-fiction," and the "biography" section?" News flash!... the noise from the "busy" restaurant IS evenly distributed throughout the entire establishment. Which means that if you want a quiet table, then bring your bubbles to sit in ala GET SMART. That's the only way I can assure that you are not going to hear the conversation from the next table, the baby crying, or somebody complaining. (Which is probably you... complaining about how much you hate the table you are sitting at...) Also, the table you are sitting at does not set your "social stigma." Your table is determined by how full the restaurant is, or what tables are reserved. Note to customer... make a reservation for the

(Re post from June 15th, 2007.) I get it. You are in a hurry. You have to do "x" and you only have "y" amount of time to do it in, and now you are sitting in my section of the restaurant. Like I said, I understand being pressed for time. So I get you your drinks and food in a timely manner. Then the big statement... "CHECK PLEASE!"... if you even say this. Usually people are so pressed for time that they cannot even use words to communicate. I usually get the "check gesture" in the air. (We've evolved a long way.) I bring you the check. (I've managed to learn sign language,) ... and instead of paying right away, you leave the check in front of you for the next two hours. Amazing how your schedule freed up so quickly. And wow! Now you have three friends joining you at a table for 1 person. But you still haven't put out some form of payment, and my shift should've been over an hour ago. (You think that I don't have

(Re post from May 14th, 2007.) This week, we'll explore the finer points of "non-verbal" signals. Many people are big believers in the "clean plate club." (I am actually "sergeant-at-arms" of this club.) But let's help our wait-staff out by placing your fork and knives diagonally across your plate when you're finished eating. That way, your server or busser knows to take your plate. This leaves more room for you to place appropriate body parts on the table... (Arms... Elbows...and Boobs.) And try to leave glasses or cups to the side of your place setting. This helps by leaving the space in front of you free and clean so the food runner can neatly place another plate of food in front of you. (If you have more food coming, of course.) This way, the "runner" doesn't have to stick his arm pit in your face and play a quick game of "twister" with you, while trying to make room for your plate of food. All in all, keep

(Re post from May 14th, 2007) If people think that you have poor social skills, then perhaps being out in a restaurant is not the best place to practice them. Start slow. Then work your way up. Walk up to somebody, say "hello." Walk away. Don't turn and say ANYTHING else. You don't want to ruin your confidence. That's all you need to get you to the social top. Remember, Bartenders and Servers don't pay their rent with compliments. Until next time, Bitter? Party of one. Your table is ready.