Saturday, November 22, 2014

Dating Advice From Your Server

I have witnessed many first dates throughout my shifts.  Some of them successful; most of them bad.  There have been some signs of how the date is going that I have picked up on and noted.  Being a server in these situations is kind of like being the third wheel on a friend date.  I am there for support, but I can't say anything except to offer them more booze and bread.



Here are some things I have noticed:

If I see a cell phone on the table at any point in the dinner, the date is over.

If a second drink is ordered in-between apps and entrees, the date is being forced.

If both people are missing by the time I return to check on how the food is, then the date is being consummated.

There is a dating service called, "It's Just Lunch," where they bring together two possible matches and have them meet at a random restaurant for a first date.  And most of these dates are at night, so calling it, "It's Just Lunch" already sets things off on a bad foot.  These dates seem awkward and forced.  On one date, the guy was rapid-firing questions at the girl like he was a college admissions officer and her college career was on the line.

"What do you like?"

"Where do you live?"

"How long did it take you to get here?"

"I had sushi one time.  Have you ever had it?"

"Do you like sitting in booths, or do you prefer tables?"

And then these dates end with each person getting their own check.  This ends up being awkward for me because a lot of times, I'll present two checks, and the guy will get annoyed with me and demand that I put both checks on his credit card.  Justice was mine on the last occasion this happened because his card declined, and while I usually tell customers discreetly about this, this time I just told him directly.

"I couldn't put both checks on your credit card--"

"--what's the problem?" he interrupted.

"The problem is that your card declined.  What you like to use another form of payment?  Unfortunately, we don't accept I.O.U.'s anymore."



Pay close attention to how your date treats your server.  And I mean throughout the entire service.  Because sometimes they might start out nice, but then they start to come out of their shell, and they get more and more demanding and short with their server.  This goes for guys and girls.  Because, if they are not nice to the server, they are going to treat you horribly as well.  I think the wife character from the movie, "Gone Girl," was known for treating servers poorly.  And look how that relationship ended up.

The best dates I had in my section are the ones that admitted right away how awkward the situation was, and let it go from there.  In fact, I should get credit for successful first dates, and even more credit for crappy first dates.

Ah, amore.  

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."









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Thursday, November 13, 2014

Dickey's Staff Sticks It To Dickeys

I just wrote a post about Dickeys BBQ Pit (who is hiring on Craigslist) and how horrible it would be to work there, and what type of person would apply.  (CLICK HERE if you missed it.)

Today I see a Facebook post from Bitchy Waiter about another Dickeys restaurant where the ENTIRE Dickeys staff quit at the same time.  That's the epitome of what every waitstaff wants to do to every restaurant employer who treats them like crap... complete EXODUS.

So many times, at so many different places have I talked about and schemed with my co-workers about taking a ten minute break, and never coming back.  Or better yet, waiting until the entire restaurant is full, and then dumping our aprons at the host stand.  (Josh, Jude, Kyle, Andrea, and anybody else who worked at The Gardens remember this?)

Bravo Ex-Dickeys BBQ Pit staff.  You have done what we have all dreamed about doing, and you have done it well.  You should have a flag raised in your honor.

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."









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Monday, November 10, 2014

Crappy Craigslist Restaurant Jobs

Good restaurant jobs are almost as hard to get as an acting gig here in Los Angeles.  Craigslist provides many opportunities to try and find some of these wonderful pits that we call employment and I have found some that are worth sharing and commenting on.

Crew - Dickeys Barbecue Pit (Pasadena)






© craigslist - Map data © OpenStreetMap
compensation: $9-10/hr
Dickeys Barbecue Pit in Pasadena is hiring!

We are looking for people that wants to be part of a growing new business. Get in early and be part of our team. Growth opportunities available.

Dickeys serves the best Texas style barbecue in town. With over 350 stores in the US and growing. We are the first in the SGV.

We are looking for people that want a stable position, fun and face pace environment.
At Dickey's, We are passionate about the art of great barbecue!!!

Applicants should have experience in fast food or Quick Causal Restaurant.
Duties: Cashier, Food Prep, FOH, BOH, dish washing, no servers.

Knife skills a plus!

To apply, bring a resume to the restaurant, best time between 2pm-5pm.
Where do I begin with this?... Dickeys. UHG! BBQ is a passionate business, (ask anybody in Texas,) but adding a "fast food," or "Quick Casual" element to it is a tangy recipe for disaster. (See what I did there?) And why are people constantly trying to create new hybrid atmospheres for restaurants? Casual fine dining. Quick casual restaurant. What's next? Fine dining fast food? People need to hit the brakes as far as how fast the food needs to be delivered to the customer. If you're in that much of a hurry to have your food cooked, then maybe you should eat astronaut food.

"We are looking for people that want a stable position." So clearly, if you're an insecure person, who's from a broken home and is not flexible, then this is not the place for you. But they want people who can do it all. They want someone who can be a cashier, food prep, FOH, BOH, and a dishwasher. But nobody who just wants to be a server. That's just lazy. AND, the best part of all, if you are skilled with a knife, you will get special consideration. The last person you want to have "knife skills" is someone who has to work in the service industry. I'm glad I don't have knife skills, or I might be in jail right now writing this post.

 Flaming Saddles (8811 Santa Monica blvd)






compensation: Will be paid based off of hiring
part-time
Flaming Saddles is Hiring all positions. Bartenders who can dance, dancers who can bartend, barbacks, security and cooks!
Friday 11/7-Saturday -11/8
12pm-4pm

Ah, Flaming Saddles. The name just says it all. But apparently, you have a be a "jack-of-all-trades" to work there. I've joked both onstage and in this blog about how being your server is much more than just being your server. Now potential employers are finally saying just that. "Bartenders who can dance, dancers who can bartend..." Why stop there? They should include these: Hostesses who can do root canal. Food Runners who can do Lasik Surgery. And, Managers who can shoe a horse.

Even though my restaurant is painfully slow right now, I'll stick with what I have... for the moment.

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."









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Thursday, October 30, 2014

TBB--The Bitter Diaries

Same bitterness, different day!  Service dogs, dine-&-ditching, and BH drivers, oh my hell !!!  Put a 5 star rating in iTunes please.  Remember, Christmas is coming.

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."









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IT DOESN'T GET ANY BITTER THAN THIS!

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Crappy Tip

I've gotten some bad tips in my day, but I think what this server got in Indiana takes the cake... A poop cake.  According to the NY Daily News, a server in Indiana found that some of the bills left in the check presenter were covered in "fecal matter."  They started off this article right by saying,

"Waitresses already deal with enough crap."

Now it's both figuratively AND literally.  We can't just get a bad tip and leave it at that?  I already know that the majority of the money in circulation already has traces of cocaine and bodily matter on it, but to purposefully add even more to it?  This dilweed went to take a dump and wiped his ass with a couple of one-dollar bills.  The article says that the individual was charged with, "battery using bodily waste."  That will be a fun thing to write on all of his future job applications.


JOB INTERVIEWER:  "Can you explain being arrested?"

IDIOT:  "Uh... The bathroom didn't have any toilet paper?"

JOB INTERVIEWER:  "Get out!"

This poor server is going to be scarred for life.  She won't even be able to get a bad tip anymore without thinking that it's "really shitty."  And, of course, the girl is out part of her tip.  I think the punishment for this guy should be for him to have to clean the money he soiled with his tongue.  If you agree, comment below in the comments section.

Here's the article.

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."










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Friday, October 10, 2014

Gone White-Girl Dishwasher

Wednesday, October 8th, 2014.  Los Angeles, CA.

The apocalypse is coming.  I thought they were just coincidences at first, but now I have seen it all.  While bussing my own tables the other night at work, I was bringing the dirty dishes to the dishwashing station, and instead of seeing the usual dishwashing team--Jose, Maria, and Jose de Luis--I saw a white-blonde-girl.  I dropped the dishes and they fell to the ground with a SMASH.  I quickly ran away.

"Am I dead?" I asked myself.  Of course white girls can be dishwashers.  But this is Los Angeles.  It's not something that you normally see in a restaurant.  I was starting to get busy so I put it out of my mind and concentrated on my tables.

Later that night, I was at the expo line and talking with Gerry, the food runner.  I didn't want to come right out and say it, but it was weighing heavily on my mind.

"Gerry, I saw something weird tonight," I cried.

"I know.  I saw it too," he said.

"You know what I'm talking about?" I asked.

"Yes.  The white girl dishwasher."

"I'm scared.  She's a really good dishwasher.  I think the other dishwashers are frightened too."

"They are.  They've never seen her before.  And she's making them look bad," Gerry concluded.

I finished my shift, and as I left, I noticed that there was nothing left in the dishwashing area.  Usually I would see a stack of plates, or racks of glasses left for the morning people to wash, but nothing.  This white-blonde-girl had washed everything.

When I started my shift the next day, I saw a stack of dishes sitting in the dishwashing area.  The usual suspects were there, but no blond-white-girl.  "Had I been dreaming?" I thought.  I continued on with my shift, but there was no appearance made by the white-blonde-girl.

She hasn't returned since.  But if you're out there, white-blonde-girl, we need you.  Come back to my restaurant and wash dishes... please!  Come wash like you've never washed dishes before.  Unless, you aren't real...  This feels like an episode of "The X-Files."

 Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."










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Sunday, September 28, 2014

The Fate of a Yelper

I have been cyber threatened!  Weapons and insults are a thing of the past.  Customers nowadays prefer to be cowards and use their Yelp profiles to get what they want in restaurants.  To quote "Cassius" from Julius Caesar:

Cassius:
Why, man, he [Caesar] doth bestride the narrow world
Like a colossus, and we petty men
Walk under his huge legs, and peep about
To find ourselves dishonorable graves.
Men at some time are masters of their fates;
The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars,
But in ourselves, that we are underlings.



Accept your own fate, Yelpers.  I can no longer be slain with your petty words.  In fact, your words fuel my blogs and podcasts.  Just like this man and woman I had sitting in my section the other night.

Just to let anybody know, if I greet the table and you start out our conversation by saying, "We are going to start out with the Tuna Carpaccio, and then decide on everything else," I am going to put in the order of Tuna Carpaccio

After a couple of minutes, I went back to the couple, and the guy says to me,

"What's the 'From-Age' board?"  Remember where the accent is put on fromage.  But I don't like to make people feel dumb by correcting them right away.

"That's our cheese board selection.  You pick any 3 cheeses, and it's served with jam, honey, nuts, and toast points."  But seriously, "From-Age?"

"We are trying to decide on this and what to have for entrees."

So I helped them decide what cheeses to get, and then I explained the specials to them.  The woman got the "Striped Bass" special, and the man got the pasta.  Before I left the table, the Tuna Carpaccio arrived, but the couple seemed confused.  I asked them if everything was okay, and they said they thought it would be more like a tartar.  I said I could take it away and get them a tartar, but they said no.  

NEWS FLASH:  If it was going to be Tuna Tartar, it would say that on the menu.  Carpaccio is not tartar!

Then the woman wanted wine.  She said she was deciding between the Merlot and Cab.  I told her I'd bring them a taste of both.  She went with the Merlot.  I told her I would be right back with 2 glasses of Merlot.

Their cheese arrived, they ate it.  Then their entrees arrived.  I checked on them again and the woman explained to me that she had ordered a bottle of wine, not 2 glasses.  I apologized, got them a bottle, and thought I had fixed the situation.  Then the woman calls me over with a question:

"What's this red stuff with the fish?" she asked.

"That's chorizo," I explained.

She said okay.  I ended up boxing up the remainder of her meal--minus the chorizo.

They skipped dessert, asked for the check, and paid the check.  Then the man goes to the restroom and the woman calls me back over.  Now it gets fun!

"I just wanted to let you know that I was not happy with the way the meal went.  For the prices we paid, too many things went wrong.  We never said we wanted the Tuna Carpaccio, but it came anyways.  I CLEARLY asked for a bottle of wine, and I don't eat meat or pork, but there was pork in my entree." she exclaimed.

"I'm sorry things weren't to your liking," I started.  "But the guy said that you two wanted to start out with the Tuna and then decide on everything else.  I apologize for my mix-up with the wine, but I got you the bottle right away.  But as far as you not eating meat or pork... why is this the first time I'm hearing about this?  I would have directed you to get a different entree, not the special the says it has Chorizo for one of the sides."  Maybe I was a bit too direct, but nothing was wrong during the meal, only after the meal.  Plus, she had me wrap up the rest of her entree togo.  I was confused to say the least.  But I told her I would get my manager to see if we could do something for her.

I explained to my manager everything that had happened.  Then he went to the couple to hear their side of the story.  While he was there, the couple bickered back and forth about him wanting her to say something during the meal, and her not wanting to say something.  Then the woman tells my manager, "I could go on Yelp and write a bad review!"  

That's all that needs to be said about these idiots.  They are people that just want to get something for free.  And if you don't eat meat or pork, SAY SOMETHING WHEN I'M TAKING YOUR ORDER!!!  And it's pronounced (fromage) NOT (from-age) you wack job!

So what's their fate?  Probably a life a bickering and uncertainty.  But at least they have Yelp to comfort them.     

 Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."










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