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The Bitter Bistro Throughout the Last Decade--Year 2012

The past decade brought me such wonderful things like, customers who have peed on lounge floors, customers who have yelled at me from across the restaurant because they wanted to know if "anybody worked here," and customers who seem to think that purchasing an item entitles them to stay well-passed closing. That last one is a bitch!  Because closing time has always been a sensitive subject for people who work in the service industry.  Why?  Because we want to go f@*king home!  I'm all for you having a good time and enjoying your dining experience, but when it's time to close, GTFO! It's been an on-going problem throughout the past decade.  This was my post from 2012 . I now finally understand where the inspiration came from Semisonic's song, "Closing Time."  They HAD  to have worked in the service industry!   Because where else do people feel compelled to continue to hang out and try to order more things than a restaurant that is ALREADY c
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The Bitter Bistro Throughout the Last Decade--Year 2011

I could probably write about this subject every month of every year of every decade--splitting checks!  In 2011 I wrote about how big parties love sharing food and bottles of wine, but then when the check comes, it's up to the server to figure out who ate just one meatball, who drank two glasses of wine, and who owes so-and-so from the last time they went out to eat.  This was the post. The biggest scam going around restaurants these days are from the tables that want their check split 9 1/2 different ways. You know who you are. You're at a big table, (that the restaurant had to put together three small tables, to make your big table,) with 10 of your closest friends. Everything was perfect the entire night, then you get the check. Now nobody's close. And of course the comment that always follows, "This was the worst service, ever!" Nobody wants to pay the check. Because you can't remember what you ate or drank, and you expect the server to keep track

The Bitter Bistro Throughout the Last Decade--Year 2010

It's hard to believe that another decade has gone, let alone another decade working in the fucking service industry.  So many customers, co-workers, managers, taxes, tips, forgotten Cosmos and overcooked steaks have come and gone throughout my career.  I've decided to use this month to go through past blog posts throughout the decade and see how much I've grown and or gotten more bitter through the past 10 years.  You're welcome! In January of 2010, the start of the decade, I wrote about babies .  It was short and sweet. A baby is a parent's top priority, but that doesn't make it a server's priority. I would get pleasantly annoyed when people would present me with services that their baby would require. "Can you wash out the baby's bottle and fill it with lukewarm water?" "Bring the baby's food first, but not too soon. And don't let it be too hot!" News flash parents... we're servers, not sitters. Take care of

5 Tips For Surviving Office Holiday Parties

It's the most wonderful time of the year ... to get drunk at your office holiday party and make a complete fuck of yourself.  But before you give the waitstaff things to talk about for weeks, let me help you out and give you a few tips of my own before you put on that red and green holiday dress, or Christmas Tree tie.  My advice when hopefully allow you to have a good time, make it home safely, and still be employed. NUMBER 5:  DON'T ASK YOUR BARTENDER TO POUR EXTRA ALCOHOL  Whether or not it's a hosted or cash bar, don't tell the bartender to put a little more in your drink.  We get it, you're a lush.  Either that or you have never been out to a place that serves alcohol, but the bar will not be going anywhere.  Meaning, that after you finish one drink, you can go back and get another, like a person who doesn't have a closet drinking problem.  Anybody who asks for more booze in their cocktail has just become a target for ridicule amongst the service staff

The Plastic Straw Epidemic

Straws have become the new enemy of environmentalists and turtles.  Apparently, turtles have huge cocaine habits and we have been enabling them with our use of plastic straws.  They have been killing themselves using straws to get their fix.  Luckily the ones that didn't die from the straws stabbing their brains, managed to live a bit longer to tell their tales.  They admitted to having a problem and told their stories at the local CA (Cocaine Anonymus) meeting Wednesday nights in Beverly Hills. But the damn straw controversy has got to stop. Now the solution for restaurants has been to use paper straws.  But that brings on a NEW set of problems... soggy straws that don't SUCK up the liquid.  How have they been getting in the hands, or stumps, of the turtles anyway?!?  It seems like the turtles are victims of a mob hit.  People are paying hitmen to give straws to these innocent turtles.           I say this with a hint of sarcasm because a lady and her family who were s

I Got Yelped in Chinese!

I've made it.  Much like when an actor gets a stalker, or an athlete gets called up from the minor leagues, I have made it!  I got Yelped in Chinese. I am no stranger to Yelp.  I have been Yelped, been commented about Yelpers, and people have commented about the Yelpers who have Yelped about me.  But now I have been put on blast in Chinese.  Perhaps by some descendant of an ancient Taoist monk, who has been waiting for the opportunity to express their disgust with their experience in black ink, wooden block, and parchment paper. Let's be honest, when someone takes the time to leave you a scroll in Chinese characters, you know it's got to be something serious.  And since I am a serious person, I took the time to have it authenticated and translated.  It's legit.  (Thanks Google Translate.)  Here you go.  "To all of my Yelp family.  I have NEVER had an experience like this before.  But first, let me say this... I'M NEVER COMING BACK!!! I came here for a

Excited for Chicken!

There are certain things in life to be excited about.  My wife and I recently purchased our first home.  That's exciting!  The birth of my daughter.  EXCITED!  My wife graduated with honors from Pepperdine with a Masters degree in Clinical Psychology.  That is something to be excited about.  Chicken on a restaurant menu?  Bok! Unless, of course, you are one of my customers.  Then excitement must ooze out of every orifice on my body, and burst through my stomach like “Alien” when talking about the chicken on the menu.  Does everybody realize that chicken is on the majority of every restaurant in the world?  Here’s one of my many memorable conversations from a guest the other night. Customer:  “Tell me about the chicken,” Me:  “It’s a pan-roasted half-chicken, that’s semi-boneless, served with yada-yada-yada.” Customer:  (Blank stare.) Me:  (Better blank stare.) Customer:  “You don’t seem that excited,” he finally said. Me:  “Well, I don’t have enough room here to