You Got Yelped !!!

It's time again for one of my favorite blogs to write, the "You Got Yelped" edition of The Bitter Bistro.  And for those of you who don't know, apparently "Yelp" is being sued by businesses for some for some of the slanderous statements that many of the customers have been writing.  The businesses are stating that they have dramatically lost business because of the bad things that people have been writing about them on "Yelp."  Now, I am not saying that businesses should be allowed to operate and treat customers poorly, BUT, some people feel the need to take out their daily frustrations about their pathetic lives through the reviews they write.  And they are not even writing reviews!  They are writing dissertations about each item of food they had to eat at a restaurant and everything in-between.  Too much power has been given to the customers.  And I have become keenly aware that the customers have lost their fricking minds!

With that being said, let me introduce you all to Gene B from Los Angeles, CA.  Gene decided to go the romantic route and take his wife out to a restaurant on Valentine's Day.  On Valentine's Day, restaurants could care less about romance.  They are concerned about their bottom line, and how many bottoms they can seat to fill that line.  Here is what Gene had to say about his experience:

Made a reservation for Valentine's Day, 7PM. Called to say running 20 min late. Said OK but after 20 min, will be on wait list as they were 'booked solid', got there exactly at 20 min past, sat us in a totally empty restaurant! (Really Gene!  Jack In The Box is even filled to capacity on V-Day.)  

Asked for a booth, said booked. Much turnover in booths but we were barred from them I guess. In main dining room which was 40% unoccupied the entire evening, one of the 2 'private rooms' was empty the whole eve!  (Gene apparently works with the Census Bureau.) 

Really, offensive, trying to make us think it's a hot spot, it's not.  (There's no fooling Gene on this one.)

Service could not have been more nonexistent, waiter had no personality, had no clue how to be a waiter.  (Servers are now expected to throw some sort of Cabaret Show for customer's like Gene.) 

We saw the matre'd more than our waiter. Food is exceptional (exceptionally mediocre) for these prices. Place is beautiful, Service is lacking, food is mediocre. High prices and really pretentious and they aren't living up to the standards.  Also, gave my wife literally a wilted rose!  (First of all, I'm surprised that Gene is married or that a woman was desperate enough to marry him.  Second, it appears that Gene didn't buy his wife flowers himself, so he is upset that somebody also failed at doing his job.)

 Just a joke of a concept. Place is lacking as well, just not 'there'. LA has way too many greater choices for this money. Booked Solid and I guess they all realized what a bad experience they might have had and all went somewhere else.  (Gene, this last statement literally makes no sense at all.)  


I think Gene missed the point of Valentine's Day all together.  And if you are going to write a review that is that long Gene, learn some sentence structure and proof read for Pete's sake!  And if you look at Gene's profile on Yelp, you will see that he drives a Jaguar and is extremely proud of that.  That means that Gene is extremely proud of being a douche-bag.  I'm sure after Gene's horrible experience was over, he went home with his wife, locked her back up in the closet, and sat in the corner repeating the phrase to himself, "The waiter had no personality, had no clue how to be a server!"

Gene B. from Los Angeles, CA-- YOU GOT YELPED !!!

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of one? Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro

RING! RING!

It's always refreshing when someone who works in the service industry is able to experience some sort of justice when a customer has been evil.  This edition is a tale of that experience.

I had a busy section one night.  Sitting in my section was a gentleman who was dining by himself.  At this particular time, I was working at a restaurant that is located inside a hotel.  This gentleman was a guest of the hotel.  He was having a great dining experience.  He started out drinking a Manhattan, went on to a Pinot Noir with his dinner, and rounded out the evening with a nice glass of Port with his dessert.  Throughout the man's dining journey, I checked on him to see how he was doing.

"How is everything?"

"Great.  The Meatloaf is fantastic, and I really like the Pinot you recommended."  The man boasted.

"Glad you're enjoying everything."  I replied.  I was happy that he was easy going because at that time, I was pretty busy with some other big tables that I was working on.

The evening continued.  I approached the gentleman again.  "Can I get you anything else?"  He responded no, so I printed out his check, dropped it on his table and left a pen so he could sign it to his room.  Now keep this in mind, I STILL had tables right next to this man.  I was in sight the ENTIRE time.  He finished his port, I saw him sign his check, and that should have been it.  I left to use the bathroom, and when I returned, my manager quickly came up to the computer terminal with the man's check saying, "That man's pissed.  He wanted a copy of his check."  My manager printed out the copy, handed me my copy, and left.  I looked at the check and saw that the man had wrote in a tip for 8 dollars. (An appropriate tip for the check amount.)  But since he felt slighted by not getting a copy of the check, he crossed out the 8 dollar tip and wrote in 1 dollar.  Again, this man had a great experience, and NEVER asked me for a copy of the check.

Wanting to resolve the situation and being the professional that I am, I quickly walked to where the man was standing to receive his copy of the check and offer my apologies.  He had started walking down the hall to the elevators to go to his room.  I called out to stop him.

"Sir, I apologize for not getting you a copy of your check.  Since you didn't say anything about not wanting a copy, I didn't get you a copy.  I just didn't know you had wanted a copy of the check."

"It's too late!"  He barked.  Apparently this man only works in absolutes.

"Again, I apologize for not knowing you wanted a copy of your check."

He turned and walked away.  I went and closed out the check.  Instead of accepting his dollar tip, I entered in "0" for the tip amount.  I showed him!  Then I closed it to his room number.  Room 534.  His name, Mr. Burke.  "That's good to know."  I thought.

Cut to later that night.  At one in the morning, I decided to call and check in on Mr. Burke.

(Phone Ringing)
"Hi, can I have room 534 please?"

"The name on the room?"

"Burke.  B-U-R-K-E"  And they put me through.  Nobody answered.  I decided to stay up late and finish the movie I had started.

Before I went to bed, I decided to give Mr. Burke another call.  I was 3:55 in the morning.  After all, I was concerned that he was going to leave the hotel with a bad customer experience.

(Phone Ringing)
"Hi, can I have room 534?"  They put me through.  It rang twice.  Then, a groggy man answered the phone.

"Hello?"

"Mr. Burke?"

"Huh?"

"I'm just calling to let you know that the escort you ordered is downstairs waiting for you in the lobby."

"Where?"  Poor guy, he was still trying to wake up and figure out what planet he was on.

"The lobby.  The escort you ordered?  He's waiting for you."

"I have to be at the airport at 4am.  I have a meeting."  Mr. Burke said.

"Well, it's 3:55am right now.  Good luck with getting to the airport in five minutes."  I said with concern.

"Thanks."  And he hung up.

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of one? Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro

Honesty es no bueno!

I am an honest person, and I believe that there is some form of karma in the world.  Some people are put here to test you and see how well you can interpret those situations.  After what happened to me one night, it seems that honesty is not always the best way to go about your life.

A gentleman was dining by himself in my section.  After some mild chit chat, I had determined that he spoke the Queens English, and this meant I was going to get a lousy tip.  (Sorry, but British people don't tip.  It's a fact.)  His total bill was 76 dollars.  He placed cash inside, got up and left.  When I went to pick up the check, I counted five 20's.  And on his actual check, he filled in the total with 80 dollars, and wrote in a tip of $4.00.  (I know, horrid.  But focus on what this blog is about.)  I counted five 20's again and determined that he was drunk and accidentally placed one too many 20's in the mix.

I chased him down the hall.  He was staying in the hotel, so he was on the way to the elevator.  I caught up with him.

"I saw that you wrote in 80 dollars for your total, but you accidentally left 100."  I explained.

"Hmmm... you're right.  You must be an honest person."

"On my better days, yes."  I proudly stated.

"You should've just kept the extra 20."  And with that he stashed the 20 into his pocket, and POOF! disappeared into a cloud of black smoke leaving me stunned and upset that I somehow was the person who was wrong.

Lesson learned:  Honesty is not always the best policy to live by.  And Brits have lousy senses of humor and need to finally free Ireland!

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of one? Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro

My Vodka's not strong enough!

One of the fun things about many restaurants is that not only do they have a creative, seasonal, and fun food menu, many of them also have a drink menu to compliment the food menu. (I'm not talking about the Cheesecake Factory's drink menu! Too many choices. And the poor bartenders who have to learn all of those ridiculous recipes. (One word that you should NEVER associate with bartending is "RECIPES.")

One shift, I had a table of seven people who all ordered drinks.  Everybody ordered some sort of fluffy cocktail, while one girl ordered a Grey Goose Vodka martini. There are three ingredients in this martini: 1. Olives. 2. A glass. And, 3. Vodka. There is very little of the first two, and a lot of number 3. So basically the whole drink is Vodka. Perfect for any lush who thinks that she is still attractive, even though her attractive ship sailed ten years ago. After the first drink, she waves me over... "I love this martini, but I don't feel buzzed, and I would usually would feel a little fuzzy by now. It doesn't take a lot to get me drunk." She raved.

I politely explained, "The only way to make your vodka martini any stronger, would be to use a bigger glass." (And seriously, who doesn't want their drink served in a cauldron?)  She didn't take the hint.

"Well, can you ask the bartender if they could make the martini a bit stronger?  It's the least you could do."

"Of course.  I'll ask him that."  I, actually, was making my own drinks this night.

CUT TO:  20 minutes later...

The "not-drunk-girl" waves me over.  "Where's my drink?"

"I talked to the bartender.  He said he could try to make your vodka martini a bit stronger.  So would you like me to order another one for you?"

"I ALREADY order another one from you.  Get me that drink!"  She barked.  (I say barked because I believe that is her first language.)

"Of course.  It was my miscommunication."  I love this game.  It's the closest thing I can get to punching a customer in the throat.

I go back to the bar, make her martini the exact same way, except... I switched the proportions between vodka and vermouth.  It' the equivalent of putting Visine in someones drink.  Without the side effects of explosive diarrhea.  So now it's a vermouth martini, disguised as a vodka one.

"Here's your stronger "vodka" martini.  Can I get anybody anything else?"  The rest of her friends now finally see the truth about their friend, and apologize and thank me.  Knowing they are going to unfriend his troll after the dinner.

She takes a few sips.  "Wow!  That's a strong vodka martini."

"That it is."  (WINK!)

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of one? Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro

You Got Yelped!!!

Now it's time again for one of my favorite things to do, call people out who enjoy writing long, ridiculous, and pointless dissertations on the website Yelp.  I've purposefully kept the names of the establishments out to protect the innocent, and to bring more attention to the colossal waste of time these people put into writing these reviews.  I've made my comments in bold italics.

This one goes out to Katie L. from Valley Glen, CA.  Katie writes:


Huge Disappointment! And I've been sick for the past 18 hrs since eating here....   (Hard to believe since food poisoning takes over 24 hours to start to make you sick.)  Had a TravelZoo voucher, which unfortunately did not make the meal any better...  The restaurant is located inside the beautiful (omitted) LA hotel. The design of the hotel is beautiful. The $8 valet fee WITH validation at (restaurant) ... not so beautiful.  It was 7:30pm on a Sunday night. The restaurant was dead.  (Why do people always have to comment on how busy or slow it is in the restaurant?  If you really want it to be busier, then invite more friends to come eat with you.  Or at least, rent some more friends.)  We were seated in a nice booth and were ready for a great meal. That never happened.  A bread basket was the first thing we received- it was delicious. Lots of different breads in there. I ate them all.  (Shocker!)


Appetizers- 
fried rock shrimp: some over friend, (I didn't know rock shrimp could have too many "friends.") some under fried, breading was overwhelming.
Crab Cake: average cake. Boooooooring.  (You should've ordered the crab cake that can sing and dance.  Not boring at all.)
Dinner-
WANTED to get Lamb Porterhouse... but they were all out. LAME.  (You should've asked your server to go and and hunt some lamb for you.  After all, you want the freshest.)
Short Ribs: meat was cooked nicely. Watercress was so boring. So so boring. (Again with not liking food that doesn't entertain you.)  Sweet potato pancakes were more like a breakfast item.  (I'm going out on a limb here and suspecting Katie is in the red on the BMI chart.)
Australian Wagyu Sirloin- what a waste of $50!! It was undercooked, over seasoned and just a big wallet buster.
Side- Truffle Mac and Cheese: EWWWWWWWWWWW! WAY TOO MUCH TRUFFLE OIL! We literally could not take more than 1 bite. Such a shame.  (Because Katie likes to finish her food.)
Dessert- Peanut Butter Bar w Salted Caramel Ice Cream: Ice Cream was a little too salted. Peanut Butter Bar was too sweet.
Also, the lighting in there is horrible. I felt like a 95 year old woman (I'm 26 w great eyes). I could not see a single thing I was eating and I actually got super tired and thought it was bedtime!  (or it could've been the food coma that Katie was going into.)
Our waters stayed empty for a lot of the time, our server's presence was barely known and we will never go back. Never.  


Well Katie, for someone who has picky standards for her food, I doubt that you would not ever return to this restaurant.  Since you mentioned that you used a "Travel Zoo" voucher, which gives you a substantial discount at restaurants, you obviously enjoy eating a lot but pay very little for the food you consume.  But look at it this way, since you've been sick for the past 18 hours since you last ate, think of all the food you will be consuming when you feel better.  Katie L. from Valley Glen, CA... YOU GOT YELPED!!!

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of one? Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro

Happy Future Holidays!!!

Today is "Black Friday."  Originally the meaning of this horrid day began with the start of the Christmas shopping season, and the point when retailers would start to turn a profit, and were "in the black."  Now I feel it is called "Black Friday" because of the color of people's hearts that venture out to conquer the best deals possible, at the expense of their souls.  And not just the shopper's souls, but retailers as well.  (Apple's deal on iPads today saves you a whole $45.00!  Woo Hoo!  Now I can finally buy that iPad AND fill up my gas tank!)

You can't even enjoy the currant holiday anymore because you are constantly being made aware of the holiday that is coming up next.  Stores are putting up holiday decorations, and the music to fit earlier and earlier.  Starbucks started to offer the "holiday lattes" a couple of days before Halloween.  And they try to be cute with their chalkboard signs that say, "Can't wait for the holidays to enjoy your favorite lattes?  Wait no longer.  Get your Christmas Latte before you go out trick-or-treating tonight!"  I had to step out of line and choke every employee working there that day.

Believe it or not, I actually do enjoy the holidays.  It puts me in a good mood, the California winters are beautiful, chilly but tolerable (sorry Lou's mom,) and my entire family gets together for merriment and mirth.  But the way that they are blended together now, makes it seems like September through December are one 30 day month.  Next thing you know, some advertising agency is going to switch the days of the holidays, and we'll be celebrating Christmas on Halloween, Thanksgiving on Labor Day, and Halloween on Summer Solstice.

In my professional opinion, I think the only thing I can say to these people/ corporations/ sloths who are trying to rush us through every holiday of every month is this... Suck it!

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of one? Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro

Gateway to the Service Industry

I have written quite a bit about my battles with customers, tipping, and the way people behave in restaurants.  I have put up with a lot, (and to be honest,) some customers have put up with a lot from me.  What I haven't talked about yet is how I was introduced to the wacky world called the "Service Industry."  The high of getting my first gratuity, and the low of getting stiffed.  How I learned to give good service, and how I learned to get back at customers who didn't tip me.  This, my friends, is an origin story.  So, to be cliche, it started when I was eleven years old...

                                                                                                                                                  FADE IN:

I wanted to have a way to make extra money.  The extra chores that I could do around the house didn't excite me.  Mainly because the only choice I had was to pull weeds from the front hillside.

"What's the point?"  I cried.  "They just grow back.  It's a conspiracy!"

And after quickly learning that I was running out of tricks to fool my parents that the weeding had actually been accomplished; i.e. complaining that they were violating child labor laws... getting my friends to help me out... burying the weeds with the dirt from the hillside; I looked elsewhere for monetary satisfaction.

My friend Jason who lived across the street was looking to give up his paper route with "The Camarillo Star Free Press."

"You just roll up the papers.  Put them in the bag, put the bag on your bike, and simply throw the papers onto your customer's porches."  He skillfully persuaded me.  "And at the end of the month, you collect the money your customers owe for their subscription, and then they tip you."

My blue eyes stayed wide with anticipation.  "What's a tip?"

"That's money they give you for doing a good job.  It's like your paycheck for delivering the papers."

I was in.  And the best part, it was an afternoon paper.  It had to be delivered by 5pm.  But the weekends it was by 8am.  So my would-be boss Christine came to my house to meet me and have my mom sign something.  I remember her being weird and ditzy.  We all sat down in our living room.  She explained the job.  I agreed.  My mom signed the form.  Then it got weird when Christine tried to touch the family Bible that was on the coffee table.  The hairs on the back of my neck rose as my mom thwarted Christine's attempt by simply saying, "Don't Touch That!"  (The Irish have a way with words.)  Christine quickly left, and I was hired.

Then I started to learn about what customer service was all about.  Some of my customers wanted their paper before a certain time.  Others wanted it with a double rubber band, and a rain bag.  (Even if it wasn't raining!)  And the hardest of all, some wanted their paper placed perfectly in a designated spot.  Right in front of their door.  The middle of the driveway.  Not on the lawn, but on the stone step in front of the lawn.  In the mailbox.  And... in front of their gate because they have two little dogs who will eat the paper if I throw it over the gate.

At first, the placement of the paper was nearly impossible.  I'm riding a BMX bike, one-gear, up multiple hills, with a thirty pound bag of newspapers sometimes hanging from my handle-bars and other times wearing it over my head, all while trying to gracefully hurl a rolled up paper 18 feet to hit it's mark.  I received many complaints.  Phone calls to my house.  Etc.  But I managed to get the hang of it, and my route times were becoming quicker and quicker.  I was proud of the work that I was doing, and pleased that I was giving my customers what they waned.  Until I went collecting.

"Collecting" is a term for paperboys which means going to your customer's houses at the end of the month to get the money that they owe you for their newspaper subscriptions.  This is when they would also tip me.  What I really learned here was that customers expect you to do everything for them, and if you don't, they punish you with excuses, canceled subscriptions, and bad tips.

"Can I pay you tomorrow?  I don't have my check book with me."  One customer pleaded.  First of all, I had to ride my bike their house to get the money that they owed me.  So now I have to make an extra trip all the way to their house when I have other important eleven year old things to do.  And second, who the hell doesn't have their check book with them?!  Do you have a second home that you house your check books at?

"They old paperboy got my paper where I wanted it every time.  I would gave him five dollars.  You should try to be more like him."  As they handed me a whole dollar.
"The only times I missed your porch was when it was pouring rain.  I kept crashing on my bike to get up your driveway."  I politely defended myself.
"I'm sure I could just ask for a different person to deliver my paper.  And I'd like fifty cents back from that dollar."

Some customers flat out didn't tip me.  At first, I didn't understand why.  I put the paper in front of their gate like they instructed.  Their dogs didn't get the paper.  I had done no wrong.  But they never tipped me.  Until I figured something out... retaliation.  My customers that tipped, got their paper the way they wanted it.  On time.  "X" marks the spot.  Those that didn't tip, found their newspaper torn to shreds by their two little white dogs that somehow found the paper on the wrong side of the gate.

                                                                                                                                              FADE OUT:

The dog customer eventually got the message.  Other customers stayed loyal, while others canceled their subscriptions and went with the "LA Times."  The paper route helped shape the person that I am today.  Hard-working, diligent, and professional.  But the thing that truly has stayed with me to this day is that being given a gratuity is a compliment.  But when I don't receive compliments, I am a bitter person.

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of one? Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro