Thursday, October 30, 2014

TBB--The Bitter Diaries

Same bitterness, different day!  Service dogs, dine-&-ditching, and BH drivers, oh my hell !!!  Put a 5 star rating in iTunes please.  Remember, Christmas is coming.

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."








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Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Crappy Tip

I've gotten some bad tips in my day, but I think what this server got in Indiana takes the cake... A poop cake.  According to the NY Daily News, a server in Indiana found that some of the bills left in the check presenter were covered in "fecal matter."  They started off this article right by saying,

"Waitresses already deal with enough crap."

Now it's both figuratively AND literally.  We can't just get a bad tip and leave it at that?  I already know that the majority of the money in circulation already has traces of cocaine and bodily matter on it, but to purposefully add even more to it?  This dilweed went to take a dump and wiped his ass with a couple of one-dollar bills.  The article says that the individual was charged with, "battery using bodily waste."  That will be a fun thing to write on all of his future job applications.


JOB INTERVIEWER:  "Can you explain being arrested?"

IDIOT:  "Uh... The bathroom didn't have any toilet paper?"

JOB INTERVIEWER:  "Get out!"

This poor server is going to be scarred for life.  She won't even be able to get a bad tip anymore without thinking that it's "really shitty."  And, of course, the girl is out part of her tip.  I think the punishment for this guy should be for him to have to clean the money he soiled with his tongue.  If you agree, comment below in the comments section.

Here's the article.

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."










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Friday, October 10, 2014

Gone White-Girl Dishwasher

Wednesday, October 8th, 2014.  Los Angeles, CA.

The apocalypse is coming.  I thought they were just coincidences at first, but now I have seen it all.  While bussing my own tables the other night at work, I was bringing the dirty dishes to the dishwashing station, and instead of seeing the usual dishwashing team--Jose, Maria, and Jose de Luis--I saw a white-blonde-girl.  I dropped the dishes and they fell to the ground with a SMASH.  I quickly ran away.

"Am I dead?" I asked myself.  Of course white girls can be dishwashers.  But this is Los Angeles.  It's not something that you normally see in a restaurant.  I was starting to get busy so I put it out of my mind and concentrated on my tables.

Later that night, I was at the expo line and talking with Gerry, the food runner.  I didn't want to come right out and say it, but it was weighing heavily on my mind.

"Gerry, I saw something weird tonight," I cried.

"I know.  I saw it too," he said.

"You know what I'm talking about?" I asked.

"Yes.  The white girl dishwasher."

"I'm scared.  She's a really good dishwasher.  I think the other dishwashers are frightened too."

"They are.  They've never seen her before.  And she's making them look bad," Gerry concluded.

I finished my shift, and as I left, I noticed that there was nothing left in the dishwashing area.  Usually I would see a stack of plates, or racks of glasses left for the morning people to wash, but nothing.  This white-blonde-girl had washed everything.

When I started my shift the next day, I saw a stack of dishes sitting in the dishwashing area.  The usual suspects were there, but no blond-white-girl.  "Had I been dreaming?" I thought.  I continued on with my shift, but there was no appearance made by the white-blonde-girl.

She hasn't returned since.  But if you're out there, white-blonde-girl, we need you.  Come back to my restaurant and wash dishes... please!  Come wash like you've never washed dishes before.  Unless, you aren't real...  This feels like an episode of "The X-Files."

 Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."










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Sunday, September 28, 2014

The Fate of a Yelper

I have been cyber threatened!  Weapons and insults are a thing of the past.  Customers nowadays prefer to be cowards and use their Yelp profiles to get what they want in restaurants.  To quote "Cassius" from Julius Caesar:

Cassius:
Why, man, he [Caesar] doth bestride the narrow world
Like a colossus, and we petty men
Walk under his huge legs, and peep about
To find ourselves dishonorable graves.
Men at some time are masters of their fates;
The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars,
But in ourselves, that we are underlings.



Accept your own fate, Yelpers.  I can no longer be slain with your petty words.  In fact, your words fuel my blogs and podcasts.  Just like this man and woman I had sitting in my section the other night.

Just to let anybody know, if I greet the table and you start out our conversation by saying, "We are going to start out with the Tuna Carpaccio, and then decide on everything else," I am going to put in the order of Tuna Carpaccio

After a couple of minutes, I went back to the couple, and the guy says to me,

"What's the 'From-Age' board?"  Remember where the accent is put on fromage.  But I don't like to make people feel dumb by correcting them right away.

"That's our cheese board selection.  You pick any 3 cheeses, and it's served with jam, honey, nuts, and toast points."  But seriously, "From-Age?"

"We are trying to decide on this and what to have for entrees."

So I helped them decide what cheeses to get, and then I explained the specials to them.  The woman got the "Striped Bass" special, and the man got the pasta.  Before I left the table, the Tuna Carpaccio arrived, but the couple seemed confused.  I asked them if everything was okay, and they said they thought it would be more like a tartar.  I said I could take it away and get them a tartar, but they said no.  

NEWS FLASH:  If it was going to be Tuna Tartar, it would say that on the menu.  Carpaccio is not tartar!

Then the woman wanted wine.  She said she was deciding between the Merlot and Cab.  I told her I'd bring them a taste of both.  She went with the Merlot.  I told her I would be right back with 2 glasses of Merlot.

Their cheese arrived, they ate it.  Then their entrees arrived.  I checked on them again and the woman explained to me that she had ordered a bottle of wine, not 2 glasses.  I apologized, got them a bottle, and thought I had fixed the situation.  Then the woman calls me over with a question:

"What's this red stuff with the fish?" she asked.

"That's chorizo," I explained.

She said okay.  I ended up boxing up the remainder of her meal--minus the chorizo.

They skipped dessert, asked for the check, and paid the check.  Then the man goes to the restroom and the woman calls me back over.  Now it gets fun!

"I just wanted to let you know that I was not happy with the way the meal went.  For the prices we paid, too many things went wrong.  We never said we wanted the Tuna Carpaccio, but it came anyways.  I CLEARLY asked for a bottle of wine, and I don't eat meat or pork, but there was pork in my entree." she exclaimed.

"I'm sorry things weren't to your liking," I started.  "But the guy said that you two wanted to start out with the Tuna and then decide on everything else.  I apologize for my mix-up with the wine, but I got you the bottle right away.  But as far as you not eating meat or pork... why is this the first time I'm hearing about this?  I would have directed you to get a different entree, not the special the says it has Chorizo for one of the sides."  Maybe I was a bit too direct, but nothing was wrong during the meal, only after the meal.  Plus, she had me wrap up the rest of her entree togo.  I was confused to say the least.  But I told her I would get my manager to see if we could do something for her.

I explained to my manager everything that had happened.  Then he went to the couple to hear their side of the story.  While he was there, the couple bickered back and forth about him wanting her to say something during the meal, and her not wanting to say something.  Then the woman tells my manager, "I could go on Yelp and write a bad review!"  

That's all that needs to be said about these idiots.  They are people that just want to get something for free.  And if you don't eat meat or pork, SAY SOMETHING WHEN I'M TAKING YOUR ORDER!!!  And it's pronounced (fromage) NOT (from-age) you wack job!

So what's their fate?  Probably a life a bickering and uncertainty.  But at least they have Yelp to comfort them.     

 Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."










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Monday, September 15, 2014

You Got Yelped!!!

Meet M S from Los Angeles, CA.  A woman, who in typical Yelper-cowardly fashion, has hidden her face in her profile pic because she doesn't want the world to know what she looks like when she writes pointless reviews on Yelp.

What makes this review even more repulsive than most is the fact that she blames the restaurant for her allergy.  Another person who failed to disclose important information that could've possibly killed her, and now it's the restaurant's fault.




I had the Brussel sprouts and blue crab grilled cheese my first visit here. Less than 2 hours after my meal here I break out in hives. The Brussel sprouts were tasty and had a good portion served. But the blue crab grilled cheese was what I was allergic too. 

I have an allergy to poor grammar.  M S must have been taught by Yoda.  "Taste the brussel sprouts had."

The owner wrote a very apologetic message to me and invited me to come back and give them another chance as they wanted to make it right. Though I honestly appreciate the gesture, my allergic experience was so bad it was enough to scare me away as I cannot potentially put my health at risk again by eating their food. I did recover but it took many days of antihistamine pills, and walking around with huge well which I still have scars from more than a month later. I've eaten she'll fish since then and everything has been all good. 

What a crackwhore!  So it's possible that she didn't know she was allergic to crab, but the fact that the owner stepped up to remedy the situation and she blames them is beyond me.  And if she had been "walking around with huge well" for a month, she wouldn't had scars, she would've had a bad back.  I'm glad she has recovered, but eating "she'll fish" wasn't the problem.  The problem was Blue Crab.

Thanks for your sincere apology and attention TLT, GREAT customer service which is why I'll give you 2 stars but I can't bring myself to return for the food.

I think TLT is getting the better end of this deal.  You don't need weirdos like her.  BUT, here's where I give TLT credit, they responded to M S on Yelp.  If you don't know, owners can reply to Yelpers to try to make the situation right.  Check out what the GM, Zach W., wrote:

Dear MS,
Thank you for your feedback. I am happy to hear that you have recovered from your allergic attack. Food allergies are a scary and could be a life threatening issue to deal with. The same day you ate here, we served several dozen Blue Crab Grilled Cheese Sandwiches and unfortunately, you were the only customer with any allergic or negative reactions. We have contacted Sysco Foods, the distributor of the product, and they received no similar cases or reports at the time. It is frightening when our bodies let us down, but publicly blaming the food or restaurant because you had an allergic reaction isn't right. If you need to blame us to feel better, go ahead. We're just happy you're back to feeling better. We have maintained an A rating since we've opened and constantly put a ton of attention and detail to proper health and safety practices. We strive to deliver a 5 star experience and it is important to know of any food allergies prior to dining so we can better serve you.
Best Regards,
Zach W.
GM, TLT Food

BRAVO ZACH!  BRAV-FRICKIN-O!  "...publicly blaming the food or restaurant because you had an allergic reaction isn't right."  You hear that M S?  It sucks that you had a reaction, but you should be thanking them either way.  Either you discovered that you have an allergy to Blue Crab, or you were too dumb to let them know that you're allergic to Blue Crab.  

I figured out what M S stands for... Majorly Stupid!

YOU GOT YELPED M S !!!

 Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."










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Thursday, September 11, 2014

The Bitter Bistro Podcast 219 w/RuthAnn Thompson

Meet RuthAnn Thompson.  A sweet girl with a great smile, but you piss her off, she'll spit fireballs at you and beat you with the bar mat.


On iTunes
On Stitcher

 Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."










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Saturday, September 6, 2014

Run Lesbian! RUN.

This is the year of the con artist.  I cannot tell you how many times I have had people come into my restaurant, drink and eat, and then claim they don't have any money on them to pay.  What year is this?

The latest person to attempt this heist is definitely my favorite to date.  She's a short, butch, acerbic-Lesbian, who wore "Tom Cruise" Ray Bans, and a black ball cap that was tilted to the side.  And didn't have a problem telling me she's a Lesbian, or whatever else was on her mind.  Now before any Lesbians take offense to me using the L-word, I'm just trying to paint the picture.  I have members of my family and friends who are Lesbians, and I have no problem saying that they can throw a football farther than me, and also take me to the hoop.  (SIGH.)

She sat on the patio and started out by having a couple of glasses of wine, saying that she was going to be meeting with somebody in a couple of hours.  Her friend arrives, (a woman,) and she decides to switch to a bottle of wine for the two of them.  They order food, order another bottle, and another one, and now it's almost 11 at night.  Did I mention that the Lesbian started at 4 in the afternoon?

I must admit that I was amused with her banter about how she wanted to get away from West Hollywood, because it was too gay for her--is that like a synagogue being too Jewish?--but I wanted to get the hell out of there because she was my last table.

I drop her almost $400.00 check, and did my fake walk-away/ walk-back, make my surprised "you haven't put out a form of payment" look.  She tells me she's working on it and I get my supervisor involved.  He tries to get her to pay only to have her reveal that...

SHE DOESN'T HAVE ANY MONEY!

Then she tells us that although she doesn't have any cash or a credit card, she has a credit card number for us to use.  I tell her that doesn't work for us, so she tries to barter her Macbook Pro for the bill.  At this point, her friend looks nervous and weirded out.  We tell her that she needs to come up with the money ASAP.  She says she'll contact some friends.

At this point, her friend starts walking through the lounge and the restaurant telling me that she's "looking for somebody."  Is that somebody named "ATM" by any chance?

I decide to keep an eye on the Lesbian Tom Cruise to make sure she doesn't make a run for it.  From afar, I see her drunkenly scope out her situation, get up and stumble towards the door into the lounge.  Before she can open the door, she drops her bag and her Macbook Pro comes crashing to the ground.  So much for the barter!  She quickly composes herself, and then slowly makes her way to the side door to the street.  I follow her.

The next thing I saw made me wish that I had filmed this entire night.  As Lesbian Tom Cruise made her way down to the sidewalk, she starts doing this weird-short-Lesbian type run.  Imagine Forrest Gump, but as a troll with sunglasses, carrying an oversized bag on her shoulder, trying to run for the first time but without learning how to walk first.

"So, are you not going to pay your bill?" I ask her.

Surprisingly, she stops.  "I am, but I've been waiting for that guy for over an hour."

"What guy?"

"That manager guy.  I've been trying to pay."

"You can still pay, if you want.  It's just easier to pay if you're still on property."

You walks back to the front of the building, and I guide her to a place where she can sit down and still be watched.

"Where is that guy?  I've been trying to pay for over an hour!" she demands.

"He will be back.  Sometimes time seems to stand still when you're drunk," I tell her.  She didn't get it.

Finally my supervisor returns, along with security, and I was relieved of my Lesbian detail.  Cops were called, and they even gave her a chance to pay the bill.  She offered her credit card number to them, and they accepted it.  Only not for the bill, but for a trip to jail.  Her friend was only guilty by association and was let go.  I was let with no tip.

 Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."










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