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Friday, April 11, 2014

Craigslist Jobs You Don't Want

I wrote a post last week called 5 Ways to get A GOOD Restaurant Job.  I've decided to continue to help everyone out by perusing Craigslist for service industry jobs.  There is actually a lot of job openings right now.  But just because there is a lot, doesn't mean that they are all good.

So I've pulled some of my favorite posts that probably should be flagged, but I would rather comment on them.  


 Bikini Bartenders Wanted ***Immediate Openings*** (Long Beach)



New bikini bar has immediate openings available. Start work immediately.

Text bikini photo and brief description of bartending experience for an interview.

Adam (562) 400-9651

Adam, what the hell is your problem?  Text a bikini photo to him?  Uhm... no!  However, I do encourage all of my guy friends to text him some photos.  Bikini optional.  And I’m sure this “bar” is located at Adam’s place.  How convenient!  Run, just run away from this post.  This interview involves a gross couch, a ball gag, and some goats.  Maybe Adam should get crank called.



WOW!  I cannot think of any greater joy in the world than cleaning.  I know, it’s not a typical service industry job, but I had to post this one.  And what kind of awards does a housekeeping team win? 

“And the award for best dust-busting goes to… THE HAMPTON SUITES.”  And the acceptance speech, “It’s an honor just to be nominated with all of these exceptional cleaners.  We would like to thank Black and Decker for making such fine dust-busters.  Windex, 409… oh, they're playing us off.  Thanks to our GM for the new uniforms, and remember, if you love what you do, you’ll never have to work again.”


 Hooters Needs Assistant Managers! (Los Angeles)



compensation: Competitive + Benefits
Hooters is a one-of-a-kind concept, and we are looking for dynamic, high-energy business leaders to join our team as Managers In Training! Managers are responsible for:
• Ensuring exceptional guest service;
• Running Restaurant Operations;
• Interviewing, Coaching and Counseling;
• Building and Driving Sales.
Must be willing to work long hours (50-60 hours per week), holidays, nights and weekends. Managers must be able to make decisions, and must be able to execute within Hooters systems and standards.

Where do I begin with this one?  Who the hell is “willing” to work 60 hours a week?  Well, maybe the award winning cleaning team.  Responsible for interviewing, coaching, and counseling.  So, you have to provide therapy for the Hooter’s wait staff.  

“Jasmine, you don’t seem like yourself lately?  Is everything okay at home?  Maybe you should try a different push-up bra.”


But my favorite part of this post, the managers MUST be able to make decisions.  So the job interview involves something like,

“What is your favorite day of the week?  (Blank stare.)  NEXT!?”

It doesn't get any BITTER than this!

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."


The Bitter Bistro






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Tuesday, April 8, 2014

The Bitter Bistro Podcast 215 w/ Jake O'Ceallaigh

On this episode, I welcome my long time friend, Jake O'Ceallaigh.  We discuss the only time Jake has gotten fired from a service job, me getting fired a bunch of times, and the darker side of the service industry which involves a lot of booze and drugs.



It doesn't get any BITTER than this!

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro






FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER CLICK HERE
"LIKE" ME ON FACEBOOK CLICK HERE

Friday, April 4, 2014

5 Ways to Get a Good Restaurant Job

I have been working at the same place for 7 years.  That does not call for applause, but rather a one-way ticket to the insane asylum.  People ask me all the time, "How do you get a job in a GOOD restaurant?  Are you guys hiring?"  After telling them that I won't recommend them to my place because I like them, I've decided to write a list of ways to ensure that you'll rise to the top when applying for a server or bartender position.

5.  FIND A GOOD HEADSHOT PHOTOGRAPHER
Welcome to Los Angeles!!!  That's right.  Not just a tool for the actor anymore.  A lot of places, like the W. Hotel, require you to send in a headshot along with your resume.  Yes, that's discriminatory and cruel, but it also explains why there are so many good looking people at these places.  And if you lack experience, your looks will help you out.  And since most of us in the industry are actors, we have access to a list of affordable photographers at our disposal.

4.  REFERRALS ARE YOUR BEST FRIEND
Literally!  The best way to get into a place is to already know somebody who works there.  And if you don't know anybody, get to know the bartenders at the place you have your eye on.  They always have their pulse on the restaurant, and might even be able to refer you to another place if their restaurant isn't hiring.  Just don't get too wasted while sitting at the bar.  Places don't hire lushes.  It's best to show your drunken side AFTER you've gone through training.

3.  TIMING IS EVERYTHING
Restaurants have a busy and a slow time.  Not just during the day, but also during the year.  Typically, the summer months are the slowest for most places.  Unless it's right on the beach or water--this doesn't apply.  Business starts to pick up again in the fall, so try to apply towards the end of the summer.  This way, you have all summer to work on your tan and get a good headshot, so you'll be looking good when your resume lands on a manager's desk.

2.  POUND THE PAVEMENT
Craigslist can tell you who's hiring, but I've like to actually hand my resume to a manager.  Just don't go during lunch!  Always go into a place between the hours of 2 to 4:30.  It's usually the change-over for the restaurant between lunch and dinner.  Unless you have nothing better to do and want to go in when it's busy and just start waiting on tables.  Who wouldn't like a volunteer waiter or bartender?

1.  TELL ME LIES, TELL ME SWEET LITTLE LIES
Not just for Fleetwood Mac fans, but also the way I got my start in this wacky industry.  16 years ago, I applied for a bartender position at The Four Seasons Hotel and Resort in Santa Barbara, got called in for an interview, lied that I had bartender experience, and the rest is history.  Most places are going to put you through a training program anyways, so if you're lacking experience, learn some basics, put your acting skills to work, and lie about having experience.  Yes, you'll have to fudge your resume a bit, but there are creative ways (and friends who'll lie) to get some experience on your resume as well.

And if you're still struggling, take the hint.  You'll be better off doing something else.

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro







 FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER CLICK HERE
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Monday, March 24, 2014

A Letter to Yelpers

Dear Yelpers:

You think you're smart.  Nope.  You think you're cool.  Wrong again.  You think this is the popularity that you have been yearning to have since high school.  (BUZZ!)  Incorrect.

It's time for you to take the energy that you put into your Yelping, and focus your attention on yourself.  Your "opinion" is not important.  The fact that your meal was ruined by the color of your server's apron, or the shape of the plates, or that they didn't give you anything for free on your birthday just means that you were not a planned pregnancy, and you should be grateful that you made it to full term.

Ouch!  That hurts, doesn't it?  Well, do you think that destroying someone's business is okay?  That demeaning your server or bartender makes you look like you know what you're talking about?  If your opinion REALLY mattered, (it doesn't,) then you should crawl out from your hiding space where you Yelp on your laptop, and talk to someone face-to-face about what upset you.  Sounds scary, doesn't it?  IT IS!!!  But that's why you are a coward and will never amount to anything in this world besides your status an an "Elite Yelper."

Most chefs go to culinary school.  Others learn their trade through mentorship.  Bartenders and servers not only have to learn the menus backwards and forwards, but we also have to be amiable, considerate, multi-taskers, allergists, photographers, therapists, baristas, janitors, mind-readers, and stay professional throughout our shifts.  You just have to be annoying.

If it's that hard to enjoy dining out, than stay home.  As much as you don't want to have a good time, I don't want to wait on you.  Stop getting in the way of other people's fun with your whiny-I-didn't-get-enough-hugs-as-a-kid-selfish-ugly attitude.

And stop trying to impress everyone with the "word of the day" that you learned on your Urban Dictionary app.  In fact, here's the Urban Dictionary definition of a Yelper.  The only qualifications you have is that you watch "Top Chef."  You are ruining the quality of America.

Pull your bottom lip over your heads and swallow.

Bitterly,

TBB    

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro







FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER CLICK HERE
"LIKE" ME ON FACEBOOK CLICK HERE



Tuesday, March 11, 2014

The Bitter Bistro Podcast w/ Taylor Murphy-Sinclair

On Ep 214 I welcome Taylor Murphy-Sinclair.  We discuss working for two Top Chef Masters; bad etiquette for co-workers, and the LA Yelp Diaries.

Find Taylor on Facebook.

It doesn't get any bitter than this!

Subscribe and rate on iTunes.  Taylor is on episode 214.

Listen on Stitcher.

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."


The Bitter Bistro






FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER CLICK HERE
"LIKE" ME ON FACEBOOK CLICK HERE

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Dude! Where's the Bathroom?

If I ever opened my own restaurant, (God help me for writing that,) one of the things that I would make easy to find would be the restroom.  Because for some reason, finding the bathroom in a restaurant is harder than trying to find a parking spot in Santa Monica on a Sunday afternoon.

If you need Google Maps to find the toilet at a restaurant, there's a problem.

 The following are some true examples of directions that I have heard from servers and bartenders telling customers how to find the restroom:

1. "Walk straight until you can't walk anymore, turn right, then it's right past the painting.  Second door on the left."  Walk until you can't walk anymore?  How far is this damn bathroom?  Hopefully there is an EMT standing by, because it sounds like I'll need my vitals checked before I get to take a leak.

2. "Go through the kitchen door, past the soda machine, second door on the left."  I never understood having customers venture into a kitchen to use the bathroom.  I understand it's where the bathroom is, but really?  "As long as you're in the kitchen, grab an apron, a knife, and chop those vegetables on the table.  Make sure you clock out for your break."

3. "Go down the hallway, make a U-turn, head downstairs--be careful, we just mopped up some puke--second door on the left."  Nothing like risking an ankle while trying to find the bathroom.

As an employee of the service industry, I have adopted the rule that I will walk guests to the bathroom whenever possible.  I know that I always hate being (vaguely) pointed in the direction of a bathroom, so I try to get people where they need to go.  Unless, of course, I have been wronged by this particular customer, then I'll tell them,

"Go back towards the host stand, turn three times, walk past the statue, genuflect, answer three questions about The Iliad... second door on the left."

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."


The Bitter Bistro






FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER CLICK HERE
"LIKE" ME ON FACEBOOK CLICK HERE

Saturday, March 1, 2014

The Bitter Bistro Podcast 213 w/ TK Kelly

(Pic of silverware from Theresa on Yelp)

On Ep. 213 I welcome comedian TK Kelly.  He shares his stories bartending at a private club in New York, cutting off a drunk woman during his shift and being called "baby dick" in the process.

And as always, the LA Yelp Diaries, the Daily Specials, and a podcast that is very bitter.

It doesn't get any bitter than this.


Listen on iTunes and Stitcher.  And subscribe.

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro


 FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER CLICK HERE
 "LIKE" ME ON FACEBOOK CLICK HERE