Friday, May 22, 2015

#nationalwaitstaffday

Yesterday was National Waitstaff Day.  A day of remembrance, and sovereignty.  Where people were asked to, "be nice to your waiters and bartenders, and tip them 20 percent.  Much like Mother's Day, and Father's Day, we now need another "special day" to remind people to be nice to people who serve their food and drinks.  This world is ridiculous.  I would rather customers just be nice, and if they don't, then just be the assholes that they always are, and then we servers just talk about them in the side-station.

Here's an example of how customers can get into our heads and make us feel like we are idiots:

The other night, a man and a woman were sitting in my section.  Right away, this sounds like how all of my stories start.  The man starts questioning me about the food.

"My wife and I only eat fish.  We don't eat meat," he stated.

"The Branzino and the Salmon are both delicious," I answered.

"I think I'm going to have the Salmon," said the man.  "Does it come with a sauce?"

"No.  It's seared and served with a fava puree, wheat berries, and greens.  The fish is lightly seasoned with salt and pepper, and tastes great without a sauce," I told him.

"No sauce?  So it's plain?"

"Yes."

"They don't put anything on it?  Are you sure?  Do you know the menu?  You're not selling me on the Salmon," he said.

"We don't put sauces on the fish.  But I'll go ask the Chef to double check that I know what I'm talking about.  I have to help out four other tables right now.  I'll be back."

"Yeah, see if somebody knows if there's a sauce," he begged.

Happy #NATIONALWAITSTAFFDAY

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."









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Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Customer's Got Talent

America's Got Talent?  Hell, no!  Customer's Got Talent!  Seriously, customers can do it all:  Bitch.  Praise.  Complain.  Eat.  Criticize.  Argue.  Drink.  And, make funny sounds.

The other night, I had a couple sitting in my section and they were celebrating the man's birthday.  I got roped into the usual conversation about "what else do you do besides wait tables?"  And I know, you never know who knows whom in this town, so I try to be nice when answering the question, but when I tell people that I'm a stand-up comedian, it just opens the door to people saying they have always wanted to try stand-up, and has them trying out jokes and random material on me, and it usually leaves me just staring at them.

Well, the man decided to tell me that he's getting back into acting.  Specifically because he's very good at making certain sounds.  To be honest, not something I hear everyday.  And, I'm also good at making certain sounds.  Especially after eating from a Taco Truck.

"I can sound like a chicken, a duck, a fire engine, a pigeon, and like an airplane landing," he boasted.

"I don't think a lot of people can do an airplane landing," I added.  "Taking off, and flying.  But not landing.  So you're trying to get into voice-overs?"

"No.  Regular acting with those sounds.  I do the sounds on my wife all the time--"

"--he does," she interrupted.  "All the time."

"You're very talented, sir.  Have you decided what you'd like to eat?"

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."









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Friday, May 15, 2015

Server Tweets of the Week

Some people in the service industry that I follow on Twitter say the best things.  Here are some of my favorites over the past week:






Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."









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IT DOESN'T GET ANY BITTER THAN THIS!

Monday, May 11, 2015

Mother's Day Veterans

Yes, the service industry survived another Mother's Day.  That is such a weird way to start my conversation with you.  It's like surviving a World War, but putting yourself voluntarily through it EVERY year.

I actually didn't have to work during the "brunch" this year.  Instead of working brunch, I was able to ACTUALLY brunch with my mom and family.  But for some reason, the dinner reservations at my work were just as busy as the brunch reservations.

First of all, Mother's Day is supposed to be a day to celebrate your mom, the woman who birthed you, and who suffered raising you in this crappy world.  I just think it's (almost) funny that we want to add to the suffering of motherhood by bringing your mom to brunch in a busier than normal restaurant.  With food that is pricier than normal.  With servers who are stressed out more than normal.  

It's too crowded; it's too expensive, and there are too many moms.

Here are two of my favorite things that happened during my shift last night:

1. The busboy brought bread to a table that was occupied by an older woman (late 40's) and a younger woman (late 20's.)  When he greeted the table he said, "Happy Mother's Day."  

Immediately, the younger woman replied, "She's not my mom.  We're girlfriends."  And then they made out.

Lesson learned for the busboy... Never judge a book by it's lesbian cover.

2. A mother was questioning me about the menu, and asked me about the Ahi Tuna.  "What's tuna?" she asked.

"Tuna is a fish," I answered.

"I know it's a fish."  She said with an attitude.  "But what's Ahi Tuna?" she demanded to know.

"That's the same fish."

Lesson learned for me... Brunch is fun.  Working brunch sucks.

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."









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IT DOESN'T GET ANY BITTER THAN THIS!

Friday, May 8, 2015

We're Ready to Order!

Whenever a customer tells me that they're ready to order, it usually means that they need another 15 minutes to decide what the hell they want.  I can understand being indecisive and having a hard time trying to decide between one or two things, but some people act like they're picking a college.  (thanks Lou Santini.)

And then guests will ask me what I like.  I tell them three items that I really enjoy on the menu.  Then they ask me about something I didn't mention.  I tell them it's not in my top three.  Now I'm somehow in an argument about why I didn't mention EVERYTHING on the menu.

Here's how a conversation went with a table the other night:

Customer:  "We're ready to order."

Me:  "What may I get for you?"

Customer IMMEDIATELY looks back at the menu and says nothing for 2 minutes.

Me:  "I'll give you another moment."

Customer:  "That's not necessary.  I told you that we're ready to order!"

Me:  "Please.  What may I get for you."

Customer:  "Don't start with me.  Go to somebody else."

Me:  "I can't start with somebody else.  You're the only one at the table."

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."









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Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Assuming Makes An Ass Just Out of Me

Everybody has their favorite cocktail.  Their drink of choice.  A love for their libations.  Whatever!  Whether somebody is rough around the edges, gay, black, nerdy, white, female, or tranny, I've served every cocktail around the sun to everybody, but I can usually tell what type of drink goes with the person.

The other night I "assumed" wrong.  

A man and woman were sat in my section.  The woman excused herself to go to the ladies room.  I approached the gentleman, (50's) glasses, with distinguished grey hair, welcomed him, and asked him if I could get him a drink.

"While my date is in the restroom, I'll order for both of us.  A Strawberry Basil Martini, and a Makers' Mark Manhattan up," he politely requested.

I put in their drink order.  His date, (early 40's) pretty, Asian, arrived back from taking her dump.

I got the drinks from the bar, brought them to their table, and placed the Strawberry Basil Martini in front of the woman.

"That's actually my drink," the man interrupted.  "Sorry for the confusion.  I know it seems the opposite.  I would assume the same thing."

"I never assume anything.  Or ever again, for that matter.  I should go."

And I quickly walked away.

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."









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IT DOESN'T GET ANY BITTER THAN THIS!

Thursday, April 16, 2015

The Traitor Lobster Benedict Arnold

The evil Benedict reared it's ugly head again.  This time fooling a customer with a poached egg on their Lobster Benedict.  And the customer exclaimed,

"I didn't know there are poached eggs on Lobster Benedict.  I don't want no poached egg."

I don't even know where to begin with this.  Who the hell doesn't know that there are poached eggs on ANYTHING Benedict?

And to make things even better, it actually said in the description of the dish, that it had poached eggs.

Now the customer is just dumb and can't read.  And that's no way to go through life.

Plus, you just wasted Lobster.  That's a crime in itself!

I offered to make things better, but she pulled the old, "I'm not hungry anymore" line on me.  At this point, I was fine with that.  Seriously?  You don't go to a restaurant hungry, and then suddenly not be hungry.  That's not how it works.  You are mixing up your emotions.  You're still hungry, but now you're just being an asshole...

A hungry asshole.

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."










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IT DOESN'T GET ANY BITTER THAN THIS!