I'm Allergic to the Following

I appreciate it when a customer let's me know up front when they have allergies, but this still makes me laugh. How many people do you know that are allergic to leeks, broccoli, or cauliflower? I wish that I had one of these cards as a kid. Great way to get out of eating your vegetables.

Parent to child:  "You're not going anywhere until you eat your vegetables."

Child:  "I can't.  I'm allergic!  Read the damn card!"

Here's how the conversation went with this lady when I served her.

Me:  "and what can I get for you? "

Lady:  " I'll have the Tiramisu."

Me:  "What about for your entree?"

Lady:  "That is my entree"


Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER CLICK HERE

10 Ways To Get Better Service At A Restaurant

I have noticed that there are many variables that can lead to a bad dining experience, and for the customer to say that they received "poor service" has become cliche, and just the "go to" for when all things go bad in a restaurant.  Here is a Top 10 list to help customers have a positive experience the next time they dine out.

10.  SIT AT THE FIRST TABLE THE HOST GIVES YOU
"This table's too round.  This table's too brown.  This table's just right."  You are not buying real estate.  So for you to pass on the first, then the second, and even the third table option the host gives you is beyond ridiculous.  The tables are all made the same, have four legs, four chairs, (if applicable,) and are strong enough to hold food, drinks, and purses.  And if you pass on a table, now you've messed up the floor plan that the host has prepared at the beginning of their shift, and everybody in the restaurant takes notice as you are aimlessly walking around the place looking for a table the isn't too cold, too close to the kitchen, or too loud.

9.  PUT YOUR NAPKIN IN YOUR LAP AND LEAVE THE SILVERWARE ALONE
Too many times I see customers practically lay their upper torso on the table while pushing the utensils that they need to eat away from them.  Only later to demand a fork from their server because they claimed to have never gotten one, when there actually was one underneath their forearm if they had bothered to actually have any manners.

8.  LISTEN TO THE SPECIALS THE FIRST TIME
As a server, part of our job is to recite the specials to our tables to let the customer know what the chef has done "special" for them that day.  This is usually the time when your server says, "We have some specials for you this evening," and that is the cue for the table to begin a ten minute conversation about how long it took them to get off of the freeway that evening do to the "Piedmontese Cattle" protest.  I usually just keep saying the specials while everybody is talking, finish, they walk away.  Only to have to repeat them again later when my table has the nerve to say, "are there any specials?"  "Today's specials include my not caring and you not listening."

7.  "WE'RE READY TO ORDER" SHOULD MEAN YOU'RE READY TO ORDER
When I walk over to my table to take an order after one of the guests motions me over to take the order, that usually means I am going to be standing there for about twenty minutes because nobody has decided what they're going to have but they want me there for support.  NEWS FLASH!  I have other tables to attend to in my section, so if you're not ready to order, take your time.  Don't leave your server standing there with pen and paper out and not tell them what you want to eat.  This slows things down for everybody, and other customers feel slighted because they don't know where there server went.  As my buddy Lou says, "you're not picking a college!"

6.  ALLERGIES SHOULD BE REVEALED BEFORE ORDERING
Servers are required to go through a lot of training to work at certain restaurants or bars.  One of the classes that we don't take is "mind reading 101."  If you're allergic to something, you should tell your server IMMEDIATELY!  That way, any unforeseen trips to the ER can be avoided.  One time I had a gay guy ask me, "are there nuts in the Tuna Tartar?"  I said, "yes, there are pistachios "  He says, "I'm allergic to nuts."  I replied, "I didn't know, you're the only gay guy allergic to nuts."  (Rim shot!)

5.  WHERE'S THE FOOD?
When your food is in front of you, it's ready.  Your server is not cooking your food.  If your food is taking a long time to get out to you, your server is trying to get your food out to you as quickly as possible, but please remember that it is NOT your servers fault that your food is taking awhile to come out from the kitchen.  The restaurant might be crowded and the kitchen got backed up.  There are other variables involved.  Customers might change their minds and slow things down.  (RIGHT SPRINGS 1?--SEE BELOW.)  If you want your food to come out faster, might I suggest dining at McDonald's.  I hear they excel at food expediency 

4.  REMEMBER WHAT YOU ORDERED
Your food should never be auctioned off at the table.  This means that when the food runner brings your food to the table, he/she should never be holding the food up and saying, "who got the Lamb Porterhouse?"  1. The server puts the food order in the computer with the correct seat numbers, (or should,) so the food that you ordered should arrive magically in front of you.  2. Now we have to play this game of who had what, because nobody remembers what they ordered.  Then what usually happens is that somebody at the table starts eating something that they didn't order, and one person sends an entree back to the kitchen because it wasn't what they ordered, and then they sit there wondering what happened to their food, when their food is actually being eaten by one of there friends.

3.  NO SNAPPING, WAVING, OR INTERRUPTING YOUR SERVER
I can't tell you how many times I have been interrupted by another customer while I was at another table, just to have that person tell me they're ready to order or need another drink.  Patience is certainly a virtue, and I have very little for poor behavior.  I have also been snapped at, waved at, had my name yelled from across a crowded restaurant, and grabbed.  These things are more than wrong, but grounds for me to make you wait longer, have you thrown out, or have me say to you, "DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME!"

2.  ONLY PAY FOR THINGS YOU LIKE, AND STAY HUNGRY MY FRIENDS
If you don't like your food, or think that you're getting bad service, it is in your best interest to say something at that moment.  I know it can be uncomfortable, but, it's better to get what you want and leave happy, then pay for something you didn't like and leave wanting nothing more than to get home and "Yelp" about it.  Remember this, "Yelping" is for cowards.  And if you didn't like your food, order something else!  You came to the restaurant because you're hungry.  It drives me nuts when I offer something else to a guest who didn't like their food and they say, "No, I'm not hungry now.  I'll just eat off of my friends plate."  Do you pull up to a gas station, not like the water to wash your windows, and decide to drive away and not get gas because of it?  You came to eat.  Let your server help you out in that circumstance.  Your stomach will be glad you did.

1.  SPLITTING CHECKS AND PICKING A CARD
It is extremely time consuming to split a check 10, 8, or even 3 ways.  I have to go through the ENTIRE check and remember exactly what everybody ate and drank, and place each item on a separate check.  And during that time, all of my other tables are wondering, "what happened to my server?"  Most places won't even allow you to split checks anymore.  Besides, usually one of the girls at your table volunteers to be the group accountant anyways.  Let her live her dream!  Give your server cash, credit cards, and IOU's.  But only four forms of payment, at most.  This way you'll get out in a quick amount of time, and won't have to wait around for me to figure out your split check and back taxes owed.  And for the love of Jehovah, tip 20 percent!  You had a good time, thank your service staff for it.


Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER CLICK HERE

Chump Change

Gratuities are always appreciated.  But if you are giving merely to empty your pockets of change, then perhaps you should unload it into a parking meter rather than onto your server.  Give me a break!  Change?  I can't even buy a pack of gum with the amount that was given above.  Just like my buddy Josh would say whenever he got tips like this when he was behind the bar, he would push the money back to the guest and say, "try again!"

If it makes noise, then it's not the kind of tip I want.  It's not the tip that anybody in the service industry wants.  And if that is all the money you have left to tip with, then I suggest you try to switch the change for bills, (or in this case, BILL,) so you don't add insult to injury.  That way, you're just a bad tipper, not a jerk.

Now that you've given me this change for a tip, where the hell am I going to put that money?  I now had to walk around the rest of my shift like a "homeless Tambourine-Man,"  (Thank you Marc Franco,)  because I didn't have a coin purse to put the change into.  Although it would come in handy if I was going to go to the arcade after work.  Wait a minute... there aren't anymore fricking arcades. 

So thanks a lot "Chump Changer!"  Tipped with change, AND there aren't anymore arcades!  I'll remember you the next time you come in.  It will be easy since I'll hear you coming a mile away.

So if you can't tear it, then don't share it.  Save your change for the next time you're at the slot machines.

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER CLICK HERE

You Got Yelped!!!

As my quest to take down Yelp.com continues, I found another Yelper who continually pushes the boundaries of common decency, and deserves to be outed.  So here I go:

Meet Ben P.

Or, excuse me, Ben "Benitos" P.  (Whatever the hell that means!)  He seemed to have found his way into Beverly Hills and expected the red carpet to be rolled out for him because he thinks that he is somebody.  Actually, he claims to be a(n) "Iron Yelper America," as it says on his Yelp profile.  When in actuality, Ben is no more than one of the many disillusioned Yelpers who probably should've gotten his ass kicked a bit more on the playground when he was a kid.  (Again, I don't condone violence, but there is something to be said for somebody FINALLY learning their lesson.)

Wow I knew going in this place was not going to be good.

Right from the start?  How have you made this far in life, Ben?  That should've been the moment for you to turn around and leave.  And not just leave the restaurant, I mean leave planet Earth.

We made reservations for a party of 4 and they seated us all the way in the back corner, next to 3 other tables. I had no space to even breathe or move!

"NOBODY PUTS BENITOS IN THE CORNER!!!"  Well Ben, a restaurant has many tables on it's floor.  What did you expect to be seated next to, a hospital bed?  "We've got a code blue in the dining room--STAT!!!"

As you look around you see everything was crisp white at some previous time but now its all old and haggard.

I brought a bottle of wine and asked the waiter to have it decanted. She came back 10 minutes later and said that it was broken.

Decanters are made of glass, and sometimes they break.  But I can't stand it when customers bring in a bottle of wine, and then want me to decant it and do a song and dance.  If you're buying the bottle, fine.  But if you're bringing in your own wine, just be happy that you're being allowed to drink it.

So she opened the wine and made a round and filled each glass and then went again to completely empty out the bottle! I had a shocked look on my face and I asked her why would you pour out the whole bottle, what if the people we are with don't want to drink all that wine? She said that she usually completely pours out the bottle every time. 

So Ben, you brought in your own bottle of wine, and then argued that it was going to be completely drunk?  Get bent Ben!  And if people don't want to completely finish something, then they just don't finish it!  The server had every right to dictate the flow of wine at the table.  Next time, pour the Jesus juice yourself.

I was disappointed  and I let the manager know. He said he would remove the corkage off our bill. Which in fact they didn't so I had to ask again!

I find it interesting that Ben doesn't mention whether or not he and his guests actually finished the wine or not.  I'm assuming they did.  So now he's a hypocrite, which is appropriate for him since he writes reviews on Yelp.  And a corkage fee is at most 25 dollars.  The wine was poured, they drank it, so shut up.  I'm sure Jesus had a corkage fee at "The Last Supper," and he wasn't complaining about the server pouring out the ENTIRE bottle.  If anything, Jesus should've complained about one of his dinner guests.  But I digress...

The food was bland and came out cold. I had the lamb chops and my friends had the chicken and salmon. 

I think the only people that were there were tourists trying to feel like they were living the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills experience. Definitely not for me. But if you really want to, then go to her other restaurant Sur. Villa Blanca isn't the best place to go, sorry Jiggy!

Ben says that he is not into the Housewives/ reality scene, but somehow pulls references out of his ass that only someone who watches the show would know.  Jiggy?  SUR?  I'm surprised he didn't plug when the next episode would be on.  Needless to say, Ben P.should have the red carpet rolled over him, and then be trampled with a 10 Clydesdale-horse-drawn carriage.  That would give him the experience he's been yearning to have.

Ben P.-- YOU GOT YELPED!!!

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER CLICK HERE

Death and Taxes and boredom at work

Up until three weeks after taxes are due, restaurants and bars are slower than other times of the year.  It's true what they say, there's nothing certain in life except for death and taxes.  I would like to add "slow restaurants" to that list.  Because during tax season, nobody wants to go out to eat and spend money.  Now I know what the "death" part refers too... working in a slow restaurant, is death.

I get a lot of these types of questions during this time:

"When do you guys get busy?"

"Slow tonight, huh?"

"How do you stay open?"

I would like to respectfully answer all of these questions at this time, and my answer is, "I don't have a f@*king clue!"  Seriously, that's like going to your friends party, and asking them if anybody else is coming, or when is it going to get fun.

Why not just enjoy the experience of of slower restaurant, and be happy that your server has the time to give you a little extra attention, rather than the place being overpacked and your server constantly giving you the finger saying, "I'll be with you in a moment."  (And I mean the index finger, but I'm sure the "other" finger will shortly follow.)

When I am not waiting on tables at my restaurant job, I do what is called "side-work."  Everybody who works in the service industry just shivered while reading that.  Because that is the boring, monotonous work that we must do to ensure that we have enough supplies, and that the place is clean, in order to serve our guest better.

However, once that work is done, and while waiting for customers to come through the door, I must find other alternatives to amuse myself.

There is a grease board at many of the restaurants that I have worked, and I have occasionally drawn some pretty epic murals to pass the time during the tax seasons.  I would like to share some of those with you now.

This one shows the struggle of a place needing to remodel, but sometimes people and things stand in the way.

Sometimes a place is open, but the signage is not properly in place to let the customers know.  It's all in how you look at it.

UHG!... I can't wait for tax season to be over.

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER CLICK HERE

Applebee's Smackackle-bee's!

CrApplebee's is at it again.  Only this time, they want it to be known that they support gay bashing and discrimination as opposed to supporting their own employees.  You guys remember my previous post on this (dare I say) restaurant chain a few months back, (CLICK HERE,) where the now infamous Pastor, Alois Bell, caused an employee to lose their serving job because she refused to pay the automatic gratuity; well now Crapplebee's has bigger fish to fry since one of their employees in Rice Lake was the victim of assault and battery, and discrimination.

See article: CLICK HERE

A long and drawn out article, but the point is that Applebee's works by their own set of beliefs, which is "you work here at your own risk," cause they don't care about you, their employee.  And even though the incident happened outside of work, it still poured over into the workplace which in turn Applebee's did nothing to help their own reputation or their employee's cause.

Perhaps Applebee's should ask the Pastor Alois Bell to pray for them, because they can't seem to get out of the spotlight of bad press.  Which in turn might be a good thing for them, considering what would be good press for Applebee's?  Their food?

I think the lesson learned should be that if you find yourself filling out an application to work at "Crapplebee's" you should stop and say yourself, "I'm f@*king filling out an application to work at Applebee's?"  Turn, and run.  Hopefully that will solve their problems.

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER CLICK HERE

Look! Up in the sky. It's a ... (plop!)

I can now add a new job for servers to handle during their shifts, "bird crap consultant."

During a recent shift, (at a restaurant that has a retractable roof to allow the illusion of an outdoor dining experience,) one of my tables calls me over with a request.

"Yes ladies?"  I asked.

"A bird crapped on our table.  Do something," she barked.

"You know that's good luck.  Mazel Tov?!" I joked.  But somehow I knew that they wouldn't appreciate my humor.  And I was right.

"It almost landed on us.  What if it had gone in our food?"

"I would not have let you eat it."  I assured her.

And if this bird had wanted to crap on these (dimwits,) it would have.  The crap actually landed on the front half of the table, completely missing them... (damn't!)  Trust me, I would have gotten no greater joy than to have had one of my crappy customers get crapped on.  Either by a bird, dog, or myself.

I ened up grabbing a towel and wiping the table clean, laughed as I told my manager about it, and he ended up buying the women dessert.  Because like I've stated in previous posts, desserts pacify the savage-collagen-injected beast.

Lesson learned for people eating at an outdoor patio, or an area like that, there's a chance that it might rain, or be too warm, or you might get crapped on.

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER CLICK HERE