Saturday, September 10, 2011

Stronge' You stink therefore you are!

Dress for success.  First impressions are lasting impressions.  I understand all of that.  But keep this in mind when you are going out to eat; I should not be able to smell you, your perfume or cologne all the way from the other side of the restaurant.

I respect my elders, but I believe it's fair to say that the older you get, the less you can smell.  Especially if you are dousing yourself in Chanel no. 5.  Please ladies, even if your sniffer is out of order, at least count the number of spritzes you depress upon yourself.  It will not only save you money, but save the people around you and the people in the surrounding counties as well.

And for the guys.  The pimps, the players, but mainly... the Persians.  (This is not racist.  I have Persian friends so I am allowed to say this.)  My buddy Lou told me that he asked a Persian why they wear so much cologne.  They said, "My friend, it's because Persian men like to stand out."  Not only do you stand out in a restaurant, but even the garlic cloves have to pinch their noses and run out the door.

But like I said, it's not just Persian men, it's other meatheads as well.  I can only imagine how much cologne some guys must go through in a single week.  Like the old saying goes, a lot goes a long way.  But by the standards of these men, that way is not that long.  (Which reminds me, I need to buy stock in Drakkar Noir.)

And this brings me to the people who don't need to wear any kind of perfume at all.  They wear "Ode de Anus."  They simply smell bad.  The only time I can stand these people is if they are sitting next to the people mentioned above.  They cancel each other out.  In short, take a quick whiff before you depart your dwelling for your night out.  Some people have stunk me out so badly that my contacts have melted.  And if you don't have the money to cover your stench, do what my friend T.K. does in his joke, "I don't wear cologne.  I just drive through Glendale with my windows down."

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of one? Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro

Thursday, September 1, 2011

The Freshmaker!


I always loved the old "Mentos" campaign which showed that you could get out of any of life's dilemmas simply by taking a step back, popping a Mentos into your mouth, and immediately be struck with a creative sense of resourcefulness to get what you wanted. If it were that easy, I would've been popping Mentos throughout my entire service industry career.

 I understand when your food comes out wrong you're upset because you are hungry and now we have to find a solution to what should be a small problem, but what is it with these people who suddenly come up with a case of the "I'm not hungry anymore, or I'll just eat off of my friends plate" plague? Yes, sometimes a small hair drops on the plate, or a tiny bug manage to escape it's death by not getting washed off, but does that really dampen the good times that you came to have in the restaurant? And if I was the friend sitting at the table with you, and you said that you would just eat off of my plate, f@&k no! I'm like a dog. Stay away from my food bowl and my mouth when it's time to eat. (And I know I'm not alone on this one.)

And then there's the "glass is half empty" people.  These are customers who absolutely have to have their water glass filled to the top at all times or else they can't focus on their company or even attempt to eat their meal.  You know who you are... your water glass has at least a third of water left in it, and you tell the entire restaurant staff that you need your server.  I rush over to stop the apparent rape that is happening, and without saying a word, you motion to your water glass meaning to top it off.  I'm all about optimism, but this would even make the Dalai Lama say, "this bitch is nuts!"  In the industry, we make it a point to keep things filled, but if there's still some water in the glass, you'll survive.  After all, we're in a drought for Pete's sake.

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter, party of one? Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro