Sunday, May 29, 2011

The Only Birthday in the World...


Birthdays that are celebrated in restaurants are apparently the only birthdays in the world. (At least for that day.) Don't get me wrong, birthdays are fun, and it's great to get together with friends to celebrate a birthday at a restaurant, but keep this in mind... there is a strong possibility that there are other people celebrating birthdays that same day as well. I know, hard to believe, but it is possible that there were multiple births on that day.

And we've all seen this happen. Out at a restaurant and one of the friends get up from the table to go to the bathroom, this is the universal signal that they are going to tell their server that it's their friends birthday, and they would like them to do something special. Oh, and of course, make it a surprise. A surprise?

"Surprise! Happy birthday!" Says the server.

"Oh my God! I had no idea it was my birthday." Shrieked the surprise birthday person. Apparently they used to be a Jehovah's witness.

Or how about this... It's a Saturday night, and the server gets to the table with a candle in some sort of dessert, and everybody at the table, including the birthday person, all look at him like they don't know what the hell he's doing and the server is standing there like he's some whack-job standing at their table with a flaming cupcake. Then the server second guesses themselves at the last second because he thinks he made a mistake even though these are the same people who told him that it was their friends birthday. So he doesn't know what to sing...

"Happy... Saturday to You!" What's the matter with this guy?

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter, party of one? Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Money Can't Buy You a NEW ATTITUDE


The Countess LuAnn was right when she sang, "Money can't buy you class." And I know, who the hell is The Countess LuAnn? Subject for another type of blog. But the people who think that because they are spending a lot of money at a restaurant/hotel, entitles them to become part-time owners of the establishment.

"I've spent over 25,000 dollars at this hotel, I should be allowed to smoke inside if I please! That's the least you could do for me." --Of course. We'll get the Governor on the phone and change the law for you right away. In the meantime, perhaps you could light yourself on fire so you could get that warm feeling from smoking. Let me know if I can help. :)

Or the people who spend a good amount of money for dinner with 8 or 10 of their friends, (thankfully only 1 person paid the check, not 8 different forms of payment--see my joke about "paying the check.) The restaurant closes, and the people are still there like they're "squatting" on their house that was foreclosed. There is a reason why it's called "business hours," because at the end of those hours, the business is CLOSED. I have an account at Wells Fargo, but when they're closed I don't get to continue to sit in the lounge at drink free cappuccinos. "What do you mean you're closed? My money is here! And I know Wells!"

Have a great time. Spend tons of your money. But you don't own the place. Besides, if you have that much money to spend, buy your own place. And while you're at it, buy a new attitude. Let's incorporate a new standard for going out to restaurants... SIT DOWN. SHUT UP. and SMILE. The "3 S's." Keep it simple.

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter, party of one? Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Sample Winers


UHG!!! Enough with the people who think that they are foodies and wine connoisseurs. Believe me, I am a huge fan of "Top Chef," but that doesn't make me go into a restaurant and question every ingredient of each dish, and the complexity of each grape that goes into every varietal of wine.

One night, I have this couple in my section, and they begin to ask a few questions about some wines they had the last time they came in to eat. FINE, but then they suddenly need something "fruity," but "smooth." "Wait. Maybe not smooth, but more fruit forward. Yes, we want a wine that is a fruit-bomb."

"Fruit bomb?" I confirm. Getting hard to control my smart-ass tendencies at this point.

"Yes." Said the woman. "Something that will please my palate, then explode in my mouth." (Not kidding! Actual words.)

"A fruity, palate-pleasing, mouth exploding wine. Sir you are a lucky man. I have just the wine for you."

"But what about a Zin?" The man interrupted. Then he proceeded to ask questions about EVERY bottle of wine that was on the wine list. Followed by, "I would like to try some of the wines."

YOU ARE NOT AT YOGURTLAND!

Restaurants can help you pair wines with food, and you should try one or two wines AT MOST, but keep in mind that if they're only two of you at the table, you should not have eight empty wine glasses in front of you from sampling wines.

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter, party of one? Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro