Monday, March 24, 2014

A Letter to Yelpers

Dear Yelpers:

You think you're smart.  Nope.  You think you're cool.  Wrong again.  You think this is the popularity that you have been yearning to have since high school.  (BUZZ!)  Incorrect.

It's time for you to take the energy that you put into your Yelping, and focus your attention on yourself.  Your "opinion" is not important.  The fact that your meal was ruined by the color of your server's apron, or the shape of the plates, or that they didn't give you anything for free on your birthday just means that you were not a planned pregnancy, and you should be grateful that you made it to full term.

Ouch!  That hurts, doesn't it?  Well, do you think that destroying someone's business is okay?  That demeaning your server or bartender makes you look like you know what you're talking about?  If your opinion REALLY mattered, (it doesn't,) then you should crawl out from your hiding space where you Yelp on your laptop, and talk to someone face-to-face about what upset you.  Sounds scary, doesn't it?  IT IS!!!  But that's why you are a coward and will never amount to anything in this world besides your status an an "Elite Yelper."

Most chefs go to culinary school.  Others learn their trade through mentorship.  Bartenders and servers not only have to learn the menus backwards and forwards, but we also have to be amiable, considerate, multi-taskers, allergists, photographers, therapists, baristas, janitors, mind-readers, and stay professional throughout our shifts.  You just have to be annoying.

If it's that hard to enjoy dining out, than stay home.  As much as you don't want to have a good time, I don't want to wait on you.  Stop getting in the way of other people's fun with your whiny-I-didn't-get-enough-hugs-as-a-kid-selfish-ugly attitude.

And stop trying to impress everyone with the "word of the day" that you learned on your Urban Dictionary app.  In fact, here's the Urban Dictionary definition of a Yelper.  The only qualifications you have is that you watch "Top Chef."  You are ruining the quality of America.

Pull your bottom lip over your heads and swallow.

Bitterly,

TBB    

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro







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Tuesday, March 11, 2014

The Bitter Bistro Podcast w/ Taylor Murphy-Sinclair

On Ep 214 I welcome Taylor Murphy-Sinclair.  We discuss working for two Top Chef Masters; bad etiquette for co-workers, and the LA Yelp Diaries.

Find Taylor on Facebook.

It doesn't get any bitter than this!

Subscribe and rate on iTunes.  Taylor is on episode 214.

Listen on Stitcher.

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."


The Bitter Bistro






FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER CLICK HERE
"LIKE" ME ON FACEBOOK CLICK HERE

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Dude! Where's the Bathroom?

If I ever opened my own restaurant, (God help me for writing that,) one of the things that I would make easy to find would be the restroom.  Because for some reason, finding the bathroom in a restaurant is harder than trying to find a parking spot in Santa Monica on a Sunday afternoon.

If you need Google Maps to find the toilet at a restaurant, there's a problem.

 The following are some true examples of directions that I have heard from servers and bartenders telling customers how to find the restroom:

1. "Walk straight until you can't walk anymore, turn right, then it's right past the painting.  Second door on the left."  Walk until you can't walk anymore?  How far is this damn bathroom?  Hopefully there is an EMT standing by, because it sounds like I'll need my vitals checked before I get to take a leak.

2. "Go through the kitchen door, past the soda machine, second door on the left."  I never understood having customers venture into a kitchen to use the bathroom.  I understand it's where the bathroom is, but really?  "As long as you're in the kitchen, grab an apron, a knife, and chop those vegetables on the table.  Make sure you clock out for your break."

3. "Go down the hallway, make a U-turn, head downstairs--be careful, we just mopped up some puke--second door on the left."  Nothing like risking an ankle while trying to find the bathroom.

As an employee of the service industry, I have adopted the rule that I will walk guests to the bathroom whenever possible.  I know that I always hate being (vaguely) pointed in the direction of a bathroom, so I try to get people where they need to go.  Unless, of course, I have been wronged by this particular customer, then I'll tell them,

"Go back towards the host stand, turn three times, walk past the statue, genuflect, answer three questions about The Iliad... second door on the left."

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."


The Bitter Bistro






FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER CLICK HERE
"LIKE" ME ON FACEBOOK CLICK HERE

Saturday, March 1, 2014

The Bitter Bistro Podcast 213 w/ TK Kelly

(Pic of silverware from Theresa on Yelp)

On Ep. 213 I welcome comedian TK Kelly.  He shares his stories bartending at a private club in New York, cutting off a drunk woman during his shift and being called "baby dick" in the process.

And as always, the LA Yelp Diaries, the Daily Specials, and a podcast that is very bitter.

It doesn't get any bitter than this.


Listen on iTunes and Stitcher.  And subscribe.

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro


 FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER CLICK HERE
 "LIKE" ME ON FACEBOOK CLICK HERE