Tuesday, December 20, 2011

My Vodka's not strong enough!


One of the fun things about many restaurants is that not only do they have a creative, seasonal, and fun food menu, many of them also have a drink menu to compliment the food menu. (I'm not talking about the Cheesecake Factory's drink menu! Too many choices. And the poor bartenders who have to learn all of those ridiculous recipes. (One word that you should NEVER associate with bartending is "RECIPES.")

One shift, I had a table of seven people who all ordered drinks.  Everybody ordered some sort of fluffy cocktail, while one girl ordered a Grey Goose Vodka martini. There are three ingredients in this martini: 1. Olives. 2. A glass. And, 3. Vodka. There is very little of the first two, and a lot of number 3. So basically the whole drink is Vodka. Perfect for any lush who thinks that she is still attractive, even though her attractive ship sailed ten years ago. After the first drink, she waves me over... "I love this martini, but I don't feel buzzed, and I would usually would feel a little fuzzy by now. It doesn't take a lot to get me drunk." She raved.

I politely explained, "The only way to make your vodka martini any stronger, would be to use a bigger glass." (And seriously, who doesn't want their drink served in a cauldron?)  She didn't take the hint.

"Well, can you ask the bartender if they could make the martini a bit stronger?  It's the least you could do."

"Of course.  I'll ask him that."  I, actually, was making my own drinks this night.

CUT TO:  20 minutes later...

The "not-drunk-girl" waves me over.  "Where's my drink?"

"I talked to the bartender.  He said he could try to make your vodka martini a bit stronger.  So would you like me to order another one for you?"

"I ALREADY order another one from you.  Get me that drink!"  She barked.  (I say barked because I believe that is her first language.)

"Of course.  It was my miscommunication."  I love this game.  It's the closest thing I can get to punching a customer in the throat.

I go back to the bar, make her martini the exact same way, except... I switched the proportions between vodka and vermouth.  It' the equivalent of putting Visine in someones drink.  Without the side effects of explosive diarrhea.  So now it's a vermouth martini, disguised as a vodka one.

"Here's your stronger "vodka" martini.  Can I get anybody anything else?"  The rest of her friends now finally see the truth about their friend, and apologize and thank me.  Knowing they are going to unfriend his troll after the dinner.

She takes a few sips.  "Wow!  That's a strong vodka martini."

"That it is."  (WINK!)

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of one? Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

You Got Yelped!!!


Now it's time again for one of my favorite things to do, call people out who enjoy writing long, ridiculous, and pointless dissertations on the website Yelp.  I've purposefully kept the names of the establishments out to protect the innocent, and to bring more attention to the colossal waste of time these people put into writing these reviews.  I've made my comments in bold italics.

This one goes out to Katie L. from Valley Glen, CA.  Katie writes:


Huge Disappointment! And I've been sick for the past 18 hrs since eating here....   (Hard to believe since food poisoning takes over 24 hours to start to make you sick.)  Had a TravelZoo voucher, which unfortunately did not make the meal any better...  The restaurant is located inside the beautiful (omitted) LA hotel. The design of the hotel is beautiful. The $8 valet fee WITH validation at (restaurant) ... not so beautiful.  It was 7:30pm on a Sunday night. The restaurant was dead.  (Why do people always have to comment on how busy or slow it is in the restaurant?  If you really want it to be busier, then invite more friends to come eat with you.  Or at least, rent some more friends.)  We were seated in a nice booth and were ready for a great meal. That never happened.  A bread basket was the first thing we received- it was delicious. Lots of different breads in there. I ate them all.  (Shocker!)


Appetizers- 
fried rock shrimp: some over friend, (I didn't know rock shrimp could have too many "friends.") some under fried, breading was overwhelming.
Crab Cake: average cake. Boooooooring.  (You should've ordered the crab cake that can sing and dance.  Not boring at all.)

Dinner-
WANTED to get Lamb Porterhouse... but they were all out. LAME.  (You should've asked your server to go and and hunt some lamb for you.  After all, you want the freshest.)
Short Ribs: meat was cooked nicely. Watercress was so boring. So so boring. (Again with not liking food that doesn't entertain you.)  Sweet potato pancakes were more like a breakfast item.  (I'm going out on a limb here and suspecting Katie is in the red on the BMI chart.)
Australian Wagyu Sirloin- what a waste of $50!! It was undercooked, over seasoned and just a big wallet buster.
Side- Truffle Mac and Cheese: EWWWWWWWWWWW! WAY TOO MUCH TRUFFLE OIL! We literally could not take more than 1 bite. Such a shame.  (Because Katie likes to finish her food.)
Dessert- Peanut Butter Bar w Salted Caramel Ice Cream: Ice Cream was a little too salted. Peanut Butter Bar was too sweet.
Also, the lighting in there is horrible. I felt like a 95 year old woman (I'm 26 w great eyes). I could not see a single thing I was eating and I actually got super tired and thought it was bedtime!  (or it could've been the food coma that Katie was going into.)
Our waters stayed empty for a lot of the time, our server's presence was barely known and we will never go back. Never.  



Well Katie, for someone who has picky standards for her food, I doubt that you would not ever return to this restaurant.  Since you mentioned that you used a "Travel Zoo" voucher, which gives you a substantial discount at restaurants, you obviously enjoy eating a lot but pay very little for the food you consume.  But look at it this way, since you've been sick for the past 18 hours since you last ate, think of all the food you will be consuming when you feel better.  Katie L. from Valley Glen, CA... YOU GOT YELPED!!!

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of one? Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro