You seriously cannot make this stuff up. Yes, these are actual human beings, who have come into the restaurants that I've worked at, and said these things to me. As per usual, I will give you the actual quote, followed by my italicized commentary which I may or may not have said to the customer at that time. Enjoy!
"Can I order room service to my room?" I actually caught myself making a WTF? face at this person. No, actually we'd prefer it if you would order room service to your car. Then drive the hell away from here!
"I'm trying to decide between the fish, the steak, or the chicken. Which one is better?" Me:"What are you in the mood for?" Them:"I think chicken. But I could like fish or steak." Customers like this woman makes me think that I did some horrible things in a past life, and they are my purgatory.
"Bring us more champagne. The little ones need to have bottles to pop open." Of course. Because what parent doesn't want their child pointing a champagne bottle at somebody and trying to force it open? Enjoy your New Years in Juvi, kid!
"When does it get busy?" "Why aren't there more people here?" So now, I not only need to be a server, but a promoter as well. Give me a second. I'll send out a few tweets to get some people in here.
"I don't like your steak knives! Can you bring me one of the Chef's knifes?" They only way a Chef is going to let a customer put their hands on one of their knifes is after the Chef stabbed them with it, and the customer was pulling the knife out of their neck.
"I don't want the potatoes that come with the Salmon. So I don't want to pay the full price." Certainly! We are actually a 'pay-what-you-can-restaurant.' Because each item on the plate is priced individually.
"I want my Lamb rare, but pink." Yes, because blood comes in lovely pastel shades of pink, and slight hues of red. People, there is no in-between! You order options are: Rare. Med-rare. Medium. Med-well. And well-done. (Breathe)
Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.
"Bitter. Party of one? Your table is ready."
The Bitter Bistro