Friday, May 25, 2012

Customer Inquisition


Throughout my career in the service industry, I have been bombarded by all sorts of random questions.  Everything from, "where's the bathroom," to "Does anybody here sell weed?"  It is the servers job to answer each question with professionalism, tact, and a straight face.  The first two I can still handle.  The latter, I gave up on years ago.

I can't believe some of the questions that come out of the mouths of some people.  It is pure torture, and gives me some insight of what the Spanish Inquisition was all about.  (Okay, maybe not that crazy, but you haven't dealt with some of the characters that have sat in my section.)

One night, I had the leader of the "Inquisition" sitting in my section.  She wins the prize for asking the most ridiculous questions in one sitting.

"Is the Tuna Tartar very raw?"  She asked.

"For most people, yes.  Most places don't normally ask for a temperature on the Tartar, but for you, we'll make an exception."  I politely answered.

"Is there Crab in the Crab Salad?"  She again asked with a serious face.

"Yes, there is Crab in the Crab Salad.  By law, we are obligated to serve exactly what is written on the menu."  Phew!  Another bad situation, thwarted by me.  But then...

"Can I get just a little bit of Diet Coke?"  She asked as she finished off her meal.

"You either get the whole Diet Coke, or none at all.  The owner doesn't make exceptions on that.  Sorry."  What the hell does this lady want?  A spritz of Diet Coke.  Here, let me put some in a water bottle, open your mouth, and I'll give you a few squirts of Diet Coke.  10 cents a squirt.

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of one?  Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro

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