Skip to main content

Customer Inquisition


Throughout my career in the service industry, I have been bombarded by all sorts of random questions.  Everything from, "where's the bathroom," to "Does anybody here sell weed?"  It is the servers job to answer each question with professionalism, tact, and a straight face.  The first two I can still handle.  The latter, I gave up on years ago.

I can't believe some of the questions that come out of the mouths of some people.  It is pure torture, and gives me some insight of what the Spanish Inquisition was all about.  (Okay, maybe not that crazy, but you haven't dealt with some of the characters that have sat in my section.)

One night, I had the leader of the "Inquisition" sitting in my section.  She wins the prize for asking the most ridiculous questions in one sitting.

"Is the Tuna Tartar very raw?"  She asked.

"For most people, yes.  Most places don't normally ask for a temperature on the Tartar, but for you, we'll make an exception."  I politely answered.

"Is there Crab in the Crab Salad?"  She again asked with a serious face.

"Yes, there is Crab in the Crab Salad.  By law, we are obligated to serve exactly what is written on the menu."  Phew!  Another bad situation, thwarted by me.  But then...

"Can I get just a little bit of Diet Coke?"  She asked as she finished off her meal.

"You either get the whole Diet Coke, or none at all.  The owner doesn't make exceptions on that.  Sorry."  What the hell does this lady want?  A spritz of Diet Coke.  Here, let me put some in a water bottle, open your mouth, and I'll give you a few squirts of Diet Coke.  10 cents a squirt.

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of one?  Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

A Letter to Yelpers

Dear Yelpers:

You think you're smart.  Nope.  You think you're cool.  Wrong again.  You think this is the popularity that you have been yearning to have since high school.  (BUZZ!)  Incorrect.

It's time for you to take the energy that you put into your Yelping, and focus your attention on yourself.  Your "opinion" is not important.  The fact that your meal was ruined by the color of your server's apron, or the shape of the plates, or that they didn't give you anything for free on your birthday just means that you were not a planned pregnancy, and you should be grateful that you made it to full term.

Ouch!  That hurts, doesn't it?  Well, do you think that destroying someone's business is okay?  That demeaning your server or bartender makes you look like you know what you're talking about?  If your opinion REALLY mattered, (it doesn't,) then you should crawl out from your hiding space where you Yelp on your laptop, and talk to someone face-…

Cover My Shift!!!

The anxiety of trying to get your shift covered at a serving job ranks up there with wondering if the pee stick is going to turn positive or negative after a long night of having shots with your coworkers, and you ended up hooking up with one of them.  Eventually, the pregnancy scare turns out to be negative, you get your shift covered, and everything is right with the world.

But trying to get your shift covered is never easy.  Especially when you feel like you go out of your way to cover other people's shifts when they ask, but when the time comes for you to ask them, it becomes an entire ordeal.

"Hey Steve, would you be able to cover my shift next Wednesday night?  My parents are going to be in town," I asked last Saturday night.

"I might be able to, but I won't know until Tuesday.  Can I get back to you then?" Steve replied.

"That's cutting it close," I said.  "Would you be able to tell me by Monday?"

"I can't cause I h…

Don't Forget Your Teeth

An older lady was dining with her husband, granddaughter, and her granddaughter's boyfriend one night, when the old lady turns to me and says,

"What do you have that's soft to eat?  I forgot my teeth."

Who the hell forgets their teeth?  Let me get this straight, when you looked at yourself in the mirror before you left, you didn't notice something was missing when you smiled?


"I know how you feel," I said, "sometimes I forget my phone.  I feel lost without it."  She just looked at me as if she didn't know what I meant by that because she still uses a rotary phone.  (Look it up.)

I explained that we have soups that she could have, but she was concerned about her choices for salad.  She and her family were using a Groupon, so they had to select from the items on the prefixed menu.

"Is the salad soft?" she asked.

"I could have the kitchen chop it fine for you.  That would make it easier to eat." I replied.  I was also g…