Skip to main content

The Plastic Straw Epidemic

Straws have become the new enemy of environmentalists and turtles.  Apparently, turtles have huge cocaine habits and we have been enabling them with our use of plastic straws.  They have been killing themselves using straws to get their fix.  Luckily the ones that didn't die from the straws stabbing their brains, managed to live a bit longer to tell their tales.  They admitted to having a problem and told their stories at the local CA (Cocaine Anonymus) meeting Wednesday nights in Beverly Hills.

But the damn straw controversy has got to stop.

Now the solution for restaurants has been to use paper straws.  But that brings on a NEW set of problems... soggy straws that don't SUCK up the liquid.  How have they been getting in the hands, or stumps, of the turtles anyway?!?  It seems like the turtles are victims of a mob hit.  People are paying hitmen to give straws to these innocent turtles.
         
I say this with a hint of sarcasm because a lady and her family who were sat in my section the other night.  Al Gore did a documentary a few years back called "An Inconvenient Truth" about the effects of global warming.  The sequel would be "An Inconvenient Straw," starring this woman, and her quest to rid the world of plastic straws, and her dietary restrictions.



I took her drink order and when I brought drinks to a table, drinks that normally require straws, I was IMMEDIATELY reprimanded by this woman who claimed that “straws are ruining the environment” and I should consider not serving them with drinks.

“I bring my own straws,” claimed the woman. Who, by-the-way, looked as if she hadn’t brushed her hair in years. I’m all for doing what I can for the environment, but I’m pretty sure hair brushing isn’t going to affect the Earth’s core temperature.

Then she began to dig through her purse and pull out different versions of straws. She had bamboo straws, wooden straws, a used plastic straw that she told me she had been reusing for the past couple of weeks–EW!, and a metal straw. She chose to use her metal straw which she took out from it’s PLASTIC case, and placed it in her Iced-T. Math was never my strongest subject, but I do know that when you add a negative with a positive, you get a hypocrite.

She had at least 8 different kinds of straws before she pulled out the metal one, and I’m thinking, the metal straw trumps all of the other ones. AND, why the hell does a METAL straw need a case? And a plastic case for that matter.  A metal straw inherently protects itself.

What made this tree-hugging woman even more enjoyable was her dietary restrictions.

“I’m very sensitive to all spices. And I’m allergic to garlic and onions. And if I get the Salmon, I don’t want it seared but cooked through. But tell them not to make it dry. Just not underdone.

This is what it’s like to wait on Dr. Seuss.

I will not have it underdone. I will not have it with a bun. I will not have it dry and mild. But I’ll only eat it if it’s wild.”

AND this woman is a mother and a wife, and both her husband and son were dining with her that night.  Thankfully, the husband and son were not as “difficult” as the woman, but that didn’t stop her from reprimanding them, in front of me.

“I can’t believe that you’re STILL using a straw!” she blurted out to her husband.  After all of the documentaries we've watched and literature I've sent you."

“I'm still digesting all of the information.  And I don't like to drink from the glass.” he defended as he sipped his drink from a straw.

I know opposites attract, but this couple couldn't be on complete opposite camps, yet somehow, they married and procreated.

And speaking of the son, he just sat there, staring at his drink with the straw.  Probably thinking of ways to turn his straw into a weapon and stab his parents.

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro
TWITTER CLICK HERE
FACEBOOK CLICK HERE
INSTAGRAM CLICK HERE

Comments

Lou Santini said…
Best column yet. I talk about plastic straws in my act and here's a fun fact: in the UK, McDonald's is banning paper straws after trying them and they failed because, "plastic straws are recyclable, whereas the paper ones turn to mush and clog the sewer systems". Take that, beliefs!

Popular posts from this blog

A Letter to Yelpers

Dear Yelpers:

You think you're smart.  Nope.  You think you're cool.  Wrong again.  You think this is the popularity that you have been yearning to have since high school.  (BUZZ!)  Incorrect.

It's time for you to take the energy that you put into your Yelping, and focus your attention on yourself.  Your "opinion" is not important.  The fact that your meal was ruined by the color of your server's apron, or the shape of the plates, or that they didn't give you anything for free on your birthday just means that you were not a planned pregnancy, and you should be grateful that you made it to full term.

Ouch!  That hurts, doesn't it?  Well, do you think that destroying someone's business is okay?  That demeaning your server or bartender makes you look like you know what you're talking about?  If your opinion REALLY mattered, (it doesn't,) then you should crawl out from your hiding space where you Yelp on your laptop, and talk to someone face-…

Cover My Shift!!!

The anxiety of trying to get your shift covered at a serving job ranks up there with wondering if the pee stick is going to turn positive or negative after a long night of having shots with your coworkers, and you ended up hooking up with one of them.  Eventually, the pregnancy scare turns out to be negative, you get your shift covered, and everything is right with the world.

But trying to get your shift covered is never easy.  Especially when you feel like you go out of your way to cover other people's shifts when they ask, but when the time comes for you to ask them, it becomes an entire ordeal.

"Hey Steve, would you be able to cover my shift next Wednesday night?  My parents are going to be in town," I asked last Saturday night.

"I might be able to, but I won't know until Tuesday.  Can I get back to you then?" Steve replied.

"That's cutting it close," I said.  "Would you be able to tell me by Monday?"

"I can't cause I h…

Don't Forget Your Teeth

An older lady was dining with her husband, granddaughter, and her granddaughter's boyfriend one night, when the old lady turns to me and says,

"What do you have that's soft to eat?  I forgot my teeth."

Who the hell forgets their teeth?  Let me get this straight, when you looked at yourself in the mirror before you left, you didn't notice something was missing when you smiled?


"I know how you feel," I said, "sometimes I forget my phone.  I feel lost without it."  She just looked at me as if she didn't know what I meant by that because she still uses a rotary phone.  (Look it up.)

I explained that we have soups that she could have, but she was concerned about her choices for salad.  She and her family were using a Groupon, so they had to select from the items on the prefixed menu.

"Is the salad soft?" she asked.

"I could have the kitchen chop it fine for you.  That would make it easier to eat." I replied.  I was also g…