Skip to main content

The Plastic Straw Epidemic

Straws have become the new enemy of environmentalists and turtles.  Apparently, turtles have huge cocaine habits and we have been enabling them with our use of plastic straws.  They have been killing themselves using straws to get their fix.  Luckily the ones that didn't die from the straws stabbing their brains, managed to live a bit longer to tell their tales.  They admitted to having a problem and told their stories at the local CA (Cocaine Anonymus) meeting Wednesday nights in Beverly Hills.

But the damn straw controversy has got to stop.

Now the solution for restaurants has been to use paper straws.  But that brings on a NEW set of problems... soggy straws that don't SUCK up the liquid.  How have they been getting in the hands, or stumps, of the turtles anyway?!?  It seems like the turtles are victims of a mob hit.  People are paying hitmen to give straws to these innocent turtles.
         
I say this with a hint of sarcasm because a lady and her family who were sat in my section the other night.  Al Gore did a documentary a few years back called "An Inconvenient Truth" about the effects of global warming.  The sequel would be "An Inconvenient Straw," starring this woman, and her quest to rid the world of plastic straws, and her dietary restrictions.



I took her drink order and when I brought drinks to a table, drinks that normally require straws, I was IMMEDIATELY reprimanded by this woman who claimed that “straws are ruining the environment” and I should consider not serving them with drinks.

“I bring my own straws,” claimed the woman. Who, by-the-way, looked as if she hadn’t brushed her hair in years. I’m all for doing what I can for the environment, but I’m pretty sure hair brushing isn’t going to affect the Earth’s core temperature.

Then she began to dig through her purse and pull out different versions of straws. She had bamboo straws, wooden straws, a used plastic straw that she told me she had been reusing for the past couple of weeks–EW!, and a metal straw. She chose to use her metal straw which she took out from it’s PLASTIC case, and placed it in her Iced-T. Math was never my strongest subject, but I do know that when you add a negative with a positive, you get a hypocrite.

She had at least 8 different kinds of straws before she pulled out the metal one, and I’m thinking, the metal straw trumps all of the other ones. AND, why the hell does a METAL straw need a case? And a plastic case for that matter.  A metal straw inherently protects itself.

What made this tree-hugging woman even more enjoyable was her dietary restrictions.

“I’m very sensitive to all spices. And I’m allergic to garlic and onions. And if I get the Salmon, I don’t want it seared but cooked through. But tell them not to make it dry. Just not underdone.

This is what it’s like to wait on Dr. Seuss.

I will not have it underdone. I will not have it with a bun. I will not have it dry and mild. But I’ll only eat it if it’s wild.”

AND this woman is a mother and a wife, and both her husband and son were dining with her that night.  Thankfully, the husband and son were not as “difficult” as the woman, but that didn’t stop her from reprimanding them, in front of me.

“I can’t believe that you’re STILL using a straw!” she blurted out to her husband.  After all of the documentaries we've watched and literature I've sent you."

“I'm still digesting all of the information.  And I don't like to drink from the glass.” he defended as he sipped his drink from a straw.

I know opposites attract, but this couple couldn't be on complete opposite camps, yet somehow, they married and procreated.

And speaking of the son, he just sat there, staring at his drink with the straw.  Probably thinking of ways to turn his straw into a weapon and stab his parents.

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro
TWITTER CLICK HERE
FACEBOOK CLICK HERE
INSTAGRAM CLICK HERE

Comments

Lou Santini said…
Best column yet. I talk about plastic straws in my act and here's a fun fact: in the UK, McDonald's is banning paper straws after trying them and they failed because, "plastic straws are recyclable, whereas the paper ones turn to mush and clog the sewer systems". Take that, beliefs!

Popular posts from this blog

10 Ways To Get Better Service At A Restaurant

I have noticed that there are many variables that can lead to a bad dining experience, and for the customer to say that they received "poor service" has become cliche, and just the "go to" for when all things go bad in a restaurant.  Here is a Top 10 list to help customers have a positive experience the next time they dine out. 10.  SIT AT THE FIRST TABLE THE HOST GIVES YOU "This table's too round.  This table's too brown.  This table's just right."  You are not buying real estate.  So for you to pass on the first, then the second, and even the third table option the host gives you is beyond ridiculous.  The tables are all made the same, have four legs, four chairs, (if applicable,) and are strong enough to hold food, drinks, and purses.  And if you pass on a table, now you've messed up the floor plan that the host has prepared at the beginning of their shift, and everybody in the restaurant takes notice as you are aimlessly walking a

You Got Yelped!!!

As my quest to take down Yelp.com continues, I found another Yelper who continually pushes the boundaries of common decency, and deserves to be outed.  So here I go: Meet Ben P . Or, excuse me, Ben "Benitos" P.  (Whatever the hell that means!)  He seemed to have found his way into Beverly Hills and expected the red carpet to be rolled out for him because he thinks that he is somebody.  Actually, he claims to be a(n) "Iron Yelper America," as it says on his Yelp profile.  When in actuality, Ben is no more than one of the many disillusioned Yelpers who probably should've gotten his ass kicked a bit more on the playground when he was a kid.  (Again, I don't condone violence, but there is something to be said for somebody FINALLY learning their lesson.) Wow I knew going in this place was not going to be good. Right from the start?  How have you made this far in life, Ben?  That should've been the moment for you to turn around and leave.  And not

Excuse Tips

It's ideal for a server to receive 18 to 20 percent gratuity for a job well done.  Now it seems that customers are looking to leave an excuse rather than a monetary tip explaining why they couldn't leave their server any money.  WTF?!! Of course, because my landlord would love to receive an excuse instead of a check for rent this month. "I don't have the money for rent, because I'm a writer/comedian.  But I adore this building.  So secure." The above picture was found on Yahoo.com .  One of the comments said that they thought this was an altered pic, but I have actually seen this happen to myself and co-workers.  And by-the-way, what if the server waiting on the woman was a single parent?  So the lady who wrote this has now started a domino effect on their server who is struggling to make ends meet.  And so on, and so on...  Get bent! I don't believe in saying that if you can't afford to go out, that you should never go out.  There are ways t