5 Tips For Surviving Office Holiday Parties

It's the most wonderful time of the year... to get drunk at your office holiday party and make a complete fuck of yourself. But before you give the waitstaff things to talk about for weeks, let me help you out and give you a few tips of my own before you put on that red and green holiday dress, or Christmas Tree tie. My advice when hopefully allow you to have a good time, make it home safely, and still be employed.

NUMBER 5: DON'T ASK YOUR BARTENDER TO POUR EXTRA ALCOHOL
Whether or not it's a hosted or cash bar, don't tell the bartender to put a little more in your drink. We get it, you're a lush. Either that or you have never been out to a place that serves alcohol, but the bar will not be going anywhere. Meaning, that after you finish one drink, you can go back and get another, like a person who doesn't have a closet drinking problem. Anybody who asks for more booze in their cocktail has just become a target for ridicule amongst the service staff. Save your breath for the meaningless conversation you are going to have with the coworkers that you probably don't like. And while you're at it, tip well for the first drink. First impressions are everything and I will remember you, at the back of the line, if you tip me nicely after your first drink!

NUMBER 4: THE PARTY IS NOT AN OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU TO ASK YOUR BOSS WHY HE/SHE DIDN'T LIKE YOUR PRESENTATION.
There are other things to talk about besides work. This is a good place to practice that. Kind of like how you shouldn't talk about religion or politics on a first date, the same applies here. This is an important one to remember early on because, as the night goes on, and everybody gets hammered, it will be good to know that you haven't said anything to your boss that will revoke your invitation to next year's party. Just ask the guy I saw the other night who, in front of me, asked his boss what happened with his raise mid-bite of his croquette.

NUMBER 3: UBER UBER UBER
Save yourself some time and grief and Uber, Lift, Cab, Unicorn, or Rickshaw your way to and from the party. How are you going to make it back to work if you are stuck in the drunk-tank?

NUMBER 2: THE PARTY IS NOT A GOOD PLACE TO TELL YOUR COWORKER THAT YOU HAVE A THING FOR THEM.
Office hookups are probably going to happen, but remember, they usually end up getting broken up by security, the boss's wife or husband, or the cleaning crew to tell you that the party ended three hours ago, and the two of you passed out on top of each other in the utility closet. Keep it classy and take it out to the local Holiday Inn Express.

NUMBER 1: TIP YOUR BARTENDER
You are not paying for the party, and since it's a "holiday" party, show some love and throw down some cash on the bar. We are trying to make your party as jolly as possible, and nothing says "Ho Ho Ho" more than some 10's and 20's in the tip jar. Just like you got that end-of-the-year-bonus at the office, getting extra cash during the holidays is our bonus in the service industry.

HAPPY HOLIDAY PARTYING!!!

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter. Party of 1? Your table is ready."