Skip to main content

A Review About Yelp by An Elite Yelper

The following post is my interpretation of what a review of Yelp would look like by one of their "elite" Yelpers.

A friend of mine told me about Yelp a while back so I decided that I would give it a try since I have nothing better to do with my life.  You call this a helpful website?  First of all, the color scheme is all about the red.  Some of it is white, but it's mostly red.  Way to try hard at picking colors, Yelp!  I don't know about you guys, but red doesn't say "helpful," it says "I'm mad as hell."

Seriously?  I'm missing "The Real Housewives of Portland" to do this right now.

God!  I need a cocktail.

Anyways...

You would think that Yelp would be more welcoming to having people come to their website to use it.  And I know what the hell I am talking about, I use websites all the time.  All I do is go to the browser thingy and type "www" and then whatever I'm looking for and (BAM!)... internet magic.

My first impression of Yelp was just okay.  I wasn't excited, but it wasn't like I was going to be doing anything else, so I gave it a chance.  I enjoy being able to say bad things about people behind their backs, so this is a perfect place to do that.  But then I had to look around the site to find the "write a review" link.  I'm out of breath just thinking about how hard that was.

MOVING ON...

Now I was asked to create a profile.  REALLY YELP?  My profiles are all over the internet.  I already have so many social network friends, that I can count on any of them to give me a ride to the airport, OR help me move.  That's how important I am in my world...

So I created the profile.

After I lost 10 minutes of my life (I had to take several selfies to use for my profile pic) I got down to business.  And Yelp should kiss my feet for giving them any business in the first place.

When I was writing my review, it did something weird on the website and I had to wait a whole 5 seconds for it to not do the weird thing so I could finish writing my dissertation.  Everybody loves what I have to say.  Hence, my elite social media status, so all of my social media friends just die whevever I write a review becuz I'm so funny!  I'm even LOL'ing right now as I write this shizz.

I am giving Yelp 2 stars because most of it sucks except for the fact that my review is now on it.  (That's worth 5 stars alone!  HELLO?)  Now that Ithink about it, I am going to move it up to 3.5 stars.  So half of it sucks, and the half that my review is on is great.  So that means that my review is "funny," "useful," and "cool."

And along with the bad color scheme, they have a tasteless exclamation point after the Yelp logo that has a Daisy for the dot on the bottom of the mark.  First of all, I'm allergic to flowers.  So just seeing a Daisy makes my eyes water.  NOT COOL YELP.  By the way, you owe me an Allegra.

I won't be "Yelping" again anytime soon.  BTW... you should totally follow me on instagram.  I'm @itsallaboutme.

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."









ITUNES
STITCHER
TWITTER
FACEBOOK
IT DOESN'T GET ANY BITTER THAN THIS!



Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Excuse Tips

It's ideal for a server to receive 18 to 20 percent gratuity for a job well done.  Now it seems that customers are looking to leave an excuse rather than a monetary tip explaining why they couldn't leave their server any money.  WTF?!! Of course, because my landlord would love to receive an excuse instead of a check for rent this month. "I don't have the money for rent, because I'm a writer/comedian.  But I adore this building.  So secure." The above picture was found on Yahoo.com .  One of the comments said that they thought this was an altered pic, but I have actually seen this happen to myself and co-workers.  And by-the-way, what if the server waiting on the woman was a single parent?  So the lady who wrote this has now started a domino effect on their server who is struggling to make ends meet.  And so on, and so on...  Get bent! I don't believe in saying that if you can't afford to go out, that you should never go out.  T...

10 Ways To Get Better Service At A Restaurant

I have noticed that there are many variables that can lead to a bad dining experience, and for the customer to say that they received "poor service" has become cliche, and just the "go to" for when all things go bad in a restaurant.  Here is a Top 10 list to help customers have a positive experience the next time they dine out. 10.  SIT AT THE FIRST TABLE THE HOST GIVES YOU "This table's too round.  This table's too brown.  This table's just right."  You are not buying real estate.  So for you to pass on the first, then the second, and even the third table option the host gives you is beyond ridiculous.  The tables are all made the same, have four legs, four chairs, (if applicable,) and are strong enough to hold food, drinks, and purses.  And if you pass on a table, now you've messed up the floor plan that the host has prepared at the beginning of their shift, and everybody in the restaurant takes notice as you are aimlessly walking a...

You Got Yelped!!!

As my quest to take down Yelp.com continues, I found another Yelper who continually pushes the boundaries of common decency, and deserves to be outed.  So here I go: Meet Ben P . Or, excuse me, Ben "Benitos" P.  (Whatever the hell that means!)  He seemed to have found his way into Beverly Hills and expected the red carpet to be rolled out for him because he thinks that he is somebody.  Actually, he claims to be a(n) "Iron Yelper America," as it says on his Yelp profile.  When in actuality, Ben is no more than one of the many disillusioned Yelpers who probably should've gotten his ass kicked a bit more on the playground when he was a kid.  (Again, I don't condone violence, but there is something to be said for somebody FINALLY learning their lesson.) Wow I knew going in this place was not going to be good. Right from the start?  How have you made this far in life, Ben?  That should've been the moment for you to turn around and leave. ...