Skip to main content

A Review About Yelp by An Elite Yelper

The following post is my interpretation of what a review of Yelp would look like by one of their "elite" Yelpers.

A friend of mine told me about Yelp a while back so I decided that I would give it a try since I have nothing better to do with my life.  You call this a helpful website?  First of all, the color scheme is all about the red.  Some of it is white, but it's mostly red.  Way to try hard at picking colors, Yelp!  I don't know about you guys, but red doesn't say "helpful," it says "I'm mad as hell."

Seriously?  I'm missing "The Real Housewives of Portland" to do this right now.

God!  I need a cocktail.

Anyways...

You would think that Yelp would be more welcoming to having people come to their website to use it.  And I know what the hell I am talking about, I use websites all the time.  All I do is go to the browser thingy and type "www" and then whatever I'm looking for and (BAM!)... internet magic.

My first impression of Yelp was just okay.  I wasn't excited, but it wasn't like I was going to be doing anything else, so I gave it a chance.  I enjoy being able to say bad things about people behind their backs, so this is a perfect place to do that.  But then I had to look around the site to find the "write a review" link.  I'm out of breath just thinking about how hard that was.

MOVING ON...

Now I was asked to create a profile.  REALLY YELP?  My profiles are all over the internet.  I already have so many social network friends, that I can count on any of them to give me a ride to the airport, OR help me move.  That's how important I am in my world...

So I created the profile.

After I lost 10 minutes of my life (I had to take several selfies to use for my profile pic) I got down to business.  And Yelp should kiss my feet for giving them any business in the first place.

When I was writing my review, it did something weird on the website and I had to wait a whole 5 seconds for it to not do the weird thing so I could finish writing my dissertation.  Everybody loves what I have to say.  Hence, my elite social media status, so all of my social media friends just die whevever I write a review becuz I'm so funny!  I'm even LOL'ing right now as I write this shizz.

I am giving Yelp 2 stars because most of it sucks except for the fact that my review is now on it.  (That's worth 5 stars alone!  HELLO?)  Now that Ithink about it, I am going to move it up to 3.5 stars.  So half of it sucks, and the half that my review is on is great.  So that means that my review is "funny," "useful," and "cool."

And along with the bad color scheme, they have a tasteless exclamation point after the Yelp logo that has a Daisy for the dot on the bottom of the mark.  First of all, I'm allergic to flowers.  So just seeing a Daisy makes my eyes water.  NOT COOL YELP.  By the way, you owe me an Allegra.

I won't be "Yelping" again anytime soon.  BTW... you should totally follow me on instagram.  I'm @itsallaboutme.

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."









ITUNES
STITCHER
TWITTER
FACEBOOK
IT DOESN'T GET ANY BITTER THAN THIS!



Comments

Popular posts from this blog

You Got Yelp!!!

What better way to get through the work week than to pick on the people who's parents truly should have considered contraceptives before having sex, the people who write negative reviews on Yelp.com. As always, I have found someone who embodies the spirit of "douchebaggery."  Who alone, stands to make a mark on the world because he is THAT important.  (And by mark, I mean skid mark.) Scott B., from Beverly Hills, CA makes the list.  His review is short, direct, and abrupt, because he's "got places to go people!"  Here's what Scott had to say about one restaurant in Los Angeles: "If you have an unlimited amount of time and an equally unlimited amount of patience, than this place might be worth it."  It's nice to see that Scott was stepping out of his box to test himself on this theory. "If I ever indeed got serviced within the time frame I had to eat, I might chance the food again!"   Since Scott is obviously an alien, h

Empty Restaurant Syndrome

When Charles Dickens wrote, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times," he must have worked in a restaurant that used to be booming, but had come crashing to a halt.  Time cannot be crueler, than time standing still in an empty restaurant. I've noticed that restaurants have busy and slow seasons.  Yes, there are some restaurants that are busy 365 days a year.  Spago in Beverly Hills is one of those places.  But for the rest of us peons who couldn't get hired at one of the cash-cows, we work at places that suffer from great highs, and extreme lows.  When it gets close to tax time, my restaurant is slow.  When the holidays roll around, business picks up with parties and bosses acting like they care by paying for the company to have a 3-course meal. Right now I am in the midst of the slow season.  School just started.  Families are adjusting to their fall schedules.  Whatever!  This in turn has given me ample time to reflect on my life and how long I hav

Excuse Tips

It's ideal for a server to receive 18 to 20 percent gratuity for a job well done.  Now it seems that customers are looking to leave an excuse rather than a monetary tip explaining why they couldn't leave their server any money.  WTF?!! Of course, because my landlord would love to receive an excuse instead of a check for rent this month. "I don't have the money for rent, because I'm a writer/comedian.  But I adore this building.  So secure." The above picture was found on Yahoo.com .  One of the comments said that they thought this was an altered pic, but I have actually seen this happen to myself and co-workers.  And by-the-way, what if the server waiting on the woman was a single parent?  So the lady who wrote this has now started a domino effect on their server who is struggling to make ends meet.  And so on, and so on...  Get bent! I don't believe in saying that if you can't afford to go out, that you should never go out.  There are ways t