Skip to main content

Run Lesbian! RUN.

This is the year of the con artist.  I cannot tell you how many times I have had people come into my restaurant, drink and eat, and then claim they don't have any money on them to pay.  What year is this?

The latest person to attempt this heist is definitely my favorite to date.  She's a short, butch, acerbic-Lesbian, who wore "Tom Cruise" Ray Bans, and a black ball cap that was tilted to the side.  And didn't have a problem telling me she's a Lesbian, or whatever else was on her mind.  Now before any Lesbians take offense to me using the L-word, I'm just trying to paint the picture.  I have members of my family and friends who are Lesbians, and I have no problem saying that they can throw a football farther than me, and also take me to the hoop.  (SIGH.)

She sat on the patio and started out by having a couple of glasses of wine, saying that she was going to be meeting with somebody in a couple of hours.  Her friend arrives, (a woman,) and she decides to switch to a bottle of wine for the two of them.  They order food, order another bottle, and another one, and now it's almost 11 at night.  Did I mention that the Lesbian started at 4 in the afternoon?

I must admit that I was amused with her banter about how she wanted to get away from West Hollywood, because it was too gay for her--is that like a synagogue being too Jewish?--but I wanted to get the hell out of there because she was my last table.

I drop her almost $400.00 check, and did my fake walk-away/ walk-back, make my surprised "you haven't put out a form of payment" look.  She tells me she's working on it and I get my supervisor involved.  He tries to get her to pay only to have her reveal that...

SHE DOESN'T HAVE ANY MONEY!

Then she tells us that although she doesn't have any cash or a credit card, she has a credit card number for us to use.  I tell her that doesn't work for us, so she tries to barter her Macbook Pro for the bill.  At this point, her friend looks nervous and weirded out.  We tell her that she needs to come up with the money ASAP.  She says she'll contact some friends.

At this point, her friend starts walking through the lounge and the restaurant telling me that she's "looking for somebody."  Is that somebody named "ATM" by any chance?

I decide to keep an eye on the Lesbian Tom Cruise to make sure she doesn't make a run for it.  From afar, I see her drunkenly scope out her situation, get up and stumble towards the door into the lounge.  Before she can open the door, she drops her bag and her Macbook Pro comes crashing to the ground.  So much for the barter!  She quickly composes herself, and then slowly makes her way to the side door to the street.  I follow her.

The next thing I saw made me wish that I had filmed this entire night.  As Lesbian Tom Cruise made her way down to the sidewalk, she starts doing this weird-short-Lesbian type run.  Imagine Forrest Gump, but as a troll with sunglasses, carrying an oversized bag on her shoulder, trying to run for the first time but without learning how to walk first.

"So, are you not going to pay your bill?" I ask her.

Surprisingly, she stops.  "I am, but I've been waiting for that guy for over an hour."

"What guy?"

"That manager guy.  I've been trying to pay."

"You can still pay, if you want.  It's just easier to pay if you're still on property."

You walks back to the front of the building, and I guide her to a place where she can sit down and still be watched.

"Where is that guy?  I've been trying to pay for over an hour!" she demands.

"He will be back.  Sometimes time seems to stand still when you're drunk," I tell her.  She didn't get it.

Finally my supervisor returns, along with security, and I was relieved of my Lesbian detail.  Cops were called, and they even gave her a chance to pay the bill.  She offered her credit card number to them, and they accepted it.  Only not for the bill, but for a trip to jail.  Her friend was only guilty by association and was let go.  I was let with no tip.

 Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."










TWITTER
PODCAST
FACEBOOK
THE BITTER BISTRO

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

You Got Yelp!!!

What better way to get through the work week than to pick on the people who's parents truly should have considered contraceptives before having sex, the people who write negative reviews on Yelp.com. As always, I have found someone who embodies the spirit of "douchebaggery."  Who alone, stands to make a mark on the world because he is THAT important.  (And by mark, I mean skid mark.) Scott B., from Beverly Hills, CA makes the list.  His review is short, direct, and abrupt, because he's "got places to go people!"  Here's what Scott had to say about one restaurant in Los Angeles: "If you have an unlimited amount of time and an equally unlimited amount of patience, than this place might be worth it."  It's nice to see that Scott was stepping out of his box to test himself on this theory. "If I ever indeed got serviced within the time frame I had to eat, I might chance the food again!"   Since Scott is obviously an alien, h

Empty Restaurant Syndrome

When Charles Dickens wrote, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times," he must have worked in a restaurant that used to be booming, but had come crashing to a halt.  Time cannot be crueler, than time standing still in an empty restaurant. I've noticed that restaurants have busy and slow seasons.  Yes, there are some restaurants that are busy 365 days a year.  Spago in Beverly Hills is one of those places.  But for the rest of us peons who couldn't get hired at one of the cash-cows, we work at places that suffer from great highs, and extreme lows.  When it gets close to tax time, my restaurant is slow.  When the holidays roll around, business picks up with parties and bosses acting like they care by paying for the company to have a 3-course meal. Right now I am in the midst of the slow season.  School just started.  Families are adjusting to their fall schedules.  Whatever!  This in turn has given me ample time to reflect on my life and how long I hav

10 Ways To Get Better Service At A Restaurant

I have noticed that there are many variables that can lead to a bad dining experience, and for the customer to say that they received "poor service" has become cliche, and just the "go to" for when all things go bad in a restaurant.  Here is a Top 10 list to help customers have a positive experience the next time they dine out. 10.  SIT AT THE FIRST TABLE THE HOST GIVES YOU "This table's too round.  This table's too brown.  This table's just right."  You are not buying real estate.  So for you to pass on the first, then the second, and even the third table option the host gives you is beyond ridiculous.  The tables are all made the same, have four legs, four chairs, (if applicable,) and are strong enough to hold food, drinks, and purses.  And if you pass on a table, now you've messed up the floor plan that the host has prepared at the beginning of their shift, and everybody in the restaurant takes notice as you are aimlessly walking a