Skip to main content

The Bitter Bistro Throughout the Last Decade--Year 2011

I could probably write about this subject every month of every year of every decade--splitting checks!  In 2011 I wrote about how big parties love sharing food and bottles of wine, but then when the check comes, it's up to the server to figure out who ate just one meatball, who drank two glasses of wine, and who owes so-and-so from the last time they went out to eat. 

This was the post.

The biggest scam going around restaurants these days are from the tables that want their check split 9 1/2 different ways. You know who you are. You're at a big table, (that the restaurant had to put together three small tables, to make your big table,) with 10 of your closest friends. Everything was perfect the entire night, then you get the check. Now nobody's close. And of course the comment that always follows, "This was the worst service, ever!"

Nobody wants to pay the check. Because you can't remember what you ate or drank, and you expect the server to keep track of everyone's consumption. (Sweet! All servers have the time to monitor the calorie intake at the table.) So the check gets passed around like a new born baby, but when you see how ugly it is, you make a face, put your payment inside and quickly get it to the next person without having the memory of it burned into your frontal lobes.

Thank God for the friend who also works as a volunteer accountant. This person is always a girl. They are the ones who make sure everybody puts in, and they always speak for the group when explaining the breakdown of the cash, credit cards, and promissory notes. Our country is a trillion dollars in debt, and this woman can decipher the exact amount for each bite taken by each person at the table. This is fantastic, but there is usually one problem, YOU ALWAYS COME UP SHORT!!! And not by a few dollars, more like 75 bucks. So now, when the server has to go back to the table and explain the lack of money for the bill, somehow it has become their fault, and one of your friends has to put in more than they should have, and when everyone leaves and the server finally has the time to close everything out, the person who is shorted at the end is none other than, the server. Of all the money that was thrown in for the bill, you didn't throw in enough for a tip.

Nothing has changed.  Customers are still demanding that checks be split.  It still comes up short, and the server ends up getting less of a tip at the end.  (HeHe, tip at the end!)  But the one thing that has changed is that people have become more and more impatient!  The other night I had to split the check and then I had to run 8 different credit cards.  When I finally made it back to the table to give them the slips to sign, they asked me "where did I run off to?"  I had to run to Trader Joe's before they closed.  Gotta have my Mandarin Orange Chicken!

My other tables thought the same because I had neglected them because of the stupid check that I had to split.  If you see your server running around on a busy night, they have other tables to wait on.  Stop monopolizing my time with things like splitting checks.

Since the majority of customers think it's so easy to split checks, here is the process.  I have to create new checks for however many times I need to split it.  Then I have to highlight every item that needs to be moved and basically cut and paste it over to the new check.  Now I have "X" amount of checks open for one table.  Then I have to run a credit card for each of those.  Sometimes credit cards and cash, which is worse because I definitely get screwed on the tip if it's credit and cash.  (That's because the people who pay with cash don't leave a tip.)  Then I have to print out the slips and place each of those credit card slips in a check presenter--if we have enough, with a pen--if they weren't all stolen from previous customers, and finally run it back to the table full of impatient, annoying, thankless people who now feel the service was bad because of how long they had to wait.  I'm exhausted just writing about it!!!  The entire process of splitting checks and running payments takes the amount of time it takes to watch The Irishman.  Only by the end, no customers will have been "wacked".  The only thing that ends up getting "wacked" is my soul.

Now I simply tell people that I can take four credit cards for the check, but the check WILL NOT BE SPLIT.  I then educate tables on a beautiful piece of technology called, Venmo.  If you don't know what that is, it is a way you can send people money through a secure financial portal.  It's a great way to pay for dinner, drug dealers, and hookers. 

Long story short, not much has changed.       

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro
TWITTER CLICK HERE
FACEBOOK CLICK HERE
INSTAGRAM CLICK HERE

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

10 Ways To Get Better Service At A Restaurant

I have noticed that there are many variables that can lead to a bad dining experience, and for the customer to say that they received "poor service" has become cliche, and just the "go to" for when all things go bad in a restaurant.  Here is a Top 10 list to help customers have a positive experience the next time they dine out. 10.  SIT AT THE FIRST TABLE THE HOST GIVES YOU "This table's too round.  This table's too brown.  This table's just right."  You are not buying real estate.  So for you to pass on the first, then the second, and even the third table option the host gives you is beyond ridiculous.  The tables are all made the same, have four legs, four chairs, (if applicable,) and are strong enough to hold food, drinks, and purses.  And if you pass on a table, now you've messed up the floor plan that the host has prepared at the beginning of their shift, and everybody in the restaurant takes notice as you are aimlessly walking a

You Got Yelped!!!

As my quest to take down Yelp.com continues, I found another Yelper who continually pushes the boundaries of common decency, and deserves to be outed.  So here I go: Meet Ben P . Or, excuse me, Ben "Benitos" P.  (Whatever the hell that means!)  He seemed to have found his way into Beverly Hills and expected the red carpet to be rolled out for him because he thinks that he is somebody.  Actually, he claims to be a(n) "Iron Yelper America," as it says on his Yelp profile.  When in actuality, Ben is no more than one of the many disillusioned Yelpers who probably should've gotten his ass kicked a bit more on the playground when he was a kid.  (Again, I don't condone violence, but there is something to be said for somebody FINALLY learning their lesson.) Wow I knew going in this place was not going to be good. Right from the start?  How have you made this far in life, Ben?  That should've been the moment for you to turn around and leave.  And not

Excuse Tips

It's ideal for a server to receive 18 to 20 percent gratuity for a job well done.  Now it seems that customers are looking to leave an excuse rather than a monetary tip explaining why they couldn't leave their server any money.  WTF?!! Of course, because my landlord would love to receive an excuse instead of a check for rent this month. "I don't have the money for rent, because I'm a writer/comedian.  But I adore this building.  So secure." The above picture was found on Yahoo.com .  One of the comments said that they thought this was an altered pic, but I have actually seen this happen to myself and co-workers.  And by-the-way, what if the server waiting on the woman was a single parent?  So the lady who wrote this has now started a domino effect on their server who is struggling to make ends meet.  And so on, and so on...  Get bent! I don't believe in saying that if you can't afford to go out, that you should never go out.  There are ways t