Skip to main content

Yelp Auction

The more things I see and hear about Yelp makes me believe that this company is owned by the Nazis.  Extortion, pay-to-play reviews, and false info make this company a necessary evil for businesses in this day and age.  But it's not right, and now even the Yelpers are trying to cash in on the blood money.

I found this a few weeks back through Bitchy Waiter.  It's one of those lame "People Like Us On Yelp," stickers--a would-be 'badge of approval'--that was being auctioned off on Ebay.  My favorite part of this has to be the description of the item:


I have for auction something that you just can't put a price on. It took me 16 long, hard years to earn this and you can have it for just 1000 peso's. I have sweat, shed blood, walked miles, been a slave, worked my entire behind off (its really true, I can't even sit in a chair, I just fall straight to the ground), and downright given my soul for this sticker. It is BRAND NEW and still smells so fresh and so clean. Ready for you to place on the window of a really crappy establishment and fool people. When people see this sticker in the window, they know that they are about to get superior service, and exquisite food. You will make millions of dollars in your first month, and the money will never stop. Who needs Gordon Ramsey or John Taffer.........them guys don't have a clue. You don't need to re-decorate, no need for a menu change, just this sticker. You can totally cut your wait staff, people will be happy to serve themselves........You can even go down to one cook. People will wait for hours for their food. Imagine all the dough that you will save on labor! This thing will pay for itself......and it can be yours in just one click! Happy Bidding and congratulations on your first million! 

So apparently, all restauranteurs have had it wrong this whole time.  The restaurant I'm at right now doesn't need to be renovated.  We just need to get rid of the waitstaff, go down to one cook, and PRESTO!  Instant success.  All you need for success is just need this crappy sticker!  

And how the hell did it take this person 16 long years to get this sticker--which he sacrificed his soul for--and it's still "brand new?"  But bad news everybody though, it's been sold.  For a bargain of $46.00!!!  Which is way less than a 1000 pesos.  The person who bought it saved $31.00, AND will now be an instant millionaire from the flocks of customers that are going to be flooding the doors.  

Forget about being innovative, just stick with a menu from the 80's/90's.  The proud new owner of this sticker will now be ahead of the pack by having a cruise ship-like menu consisting of classics like Cherries Jubilee, Baked Alaska, and Quiche Lorraine.  YUMMY!!!  Wash all of that down with some Bartles and Jaymes wine coolers and you are ready to hit the town and go party at The Roxy.

The only thing people like on Yelp is attention.  Attention that they can get by hiding behind their keyboard and being a cancer to society.  Just like the guy who auctioned off this sticker, who calls himself a chef?, I can only say one thing to Yelp... GET BENT!!!

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."










TWITTER
PODCAST
FACEBOOK
THE BITTER BISTRO



Comments

Popular posts from this blog

10 Ways To Get Better Service At A Restaurant

I have noticed that there are many variables that can lead to a bad dining experience, and for the customer to say that they received "poor service" has become cliche, and just the "go to" for when all things go bad in a restaurant.  Here is a Top 10 list to help customers have a positive experience the next time they dine out.

10.  SIT AT THE FIRST TABLE THE HOST GIVES YOU
"This table's too round.  This table's too brown.  This table's just right."  You are not buying real estate.  So for you to pass on the first, then the second, and even the third table option the host gives you is beyond ridiculous.  The tables are all made the same, have four legs, four chairs, (if applicable,) and are strong enough to hold food, drinks, and purses.  And if you pass on a table, now you've messed up the floor plan that the host has prepared at the beginning of their shift, and everybody in the restaurant takes notice as you are aimlessly walking around…

You Got Yelped!!!

As my quest to take down Yelp.com continues, I found another Yelper who continually pushes the boundaries of common decency, and deserves to be outed.  So here I go:

Meet Ben P.
Or, excuse me, Ben "Benitos" P.  (Whatever the hell that means!)  He seemed to have found his way into Beverly Hills and expected the red carpet to be rolled out for him because he thinks that he is somebody.  Actually, he claims to be a(n) "Iron Yelper America," as it says on his Yelp profile.  When in actuality, Ben is no more than one of the many disillusioned Yelpers who probably should've gotten his ass kicked a bit more on the playground when he was a kid.  (Again, I don't condone violence, but there is something to be said for somebody FINALLY learning their lesson.)

Wow I knew going in this place was not going to be good.

Right from the start?  How have you made this far in life, Ben?  That should've been the moment for you to turn around and leave.  And not just leave …

A Letter to Yelpers

Dear Yelpers:

You think you're smart.  Nope.  You think you're cool.  Wrong again.  You think this is the popularity that you have been yearning to have since high school.  (BUZZ!)  Incorrect.

It's time for you to take the energy that you put into your Yelping, and focus your attention on yourself.  Your "opinion" is not important.  The fact that your meal was ruined by the color of your server's apron, or the shape of the plates, or that they didn't give you anything for free on your birthday just means that you were not a planned pregnancy, and you should be grateful that you made it to full term.

Ouch!  That hurts, doesn't it?  Well, do you think that destroying someone's business is okay?  That demeaning your server or bartender makes you look like you know what you're talking about?  If your opinion REALLY mattered, (it doesn't,) then you should crawl out from your hiding space where you Yelp on your laptop, and talk to someone face-…