Dude! Where's the Bathroom?

If I ever opened my own restaurant, (God help me for writing that,) one of the things that I would make easy to find would be the restroom. Because for some reason, finding the bathroom in a restaurant is harder than trying to find a parking spot in Santa Monica on a Sunday afternoon.

If you need Google Maps to find the toilet at a restaurant, there's a problem.

The following are some true examples of directions that I have heard from servers and bartenders telling customers how to find the restroom:

1. "Walk straight until you can't walk anymore, turn right, then it's right past the painting. Second door on the left." Walk until you can't walk anymore? How far is this damn bathroom? Hopefully there is an EMT standing by, because it sounds like I'll need my vitals checked before I get to take a leak.

2. "Go through the kitchen door, past the soda machine, second door on the left." I never understood having customers venture into a kitchen to use the bathroom. I understand it's where the bathroom is, but really? "As long as you're in the kitchen, grab an apron, a knife, and chop those vegetables on the table. Make sure you clock out for your break."

3. "Go down the hallway, make a U-turn, head downstairs--be careful, we just mopped up some puke--second door on the left." Nothing like risking an ankle while trying to find the bathroom.

As an employee of the service industry, I have adopted the rule that I will walk guests to the bathroom whenever possible. I know that I always hate being (vaguely) pointed in the direction of a bathroom, so I try to get people where they need to go. Unless, of course, I have been wronged by this particular customer, then I'll tell them,

"Go back towards the host stand, turn three times, walk past the statue, genuflect, answer three questions about The Iliad... second door on the left."

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter. Party of 1? Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro

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