Monday, March 24, 2014

A Letter to Yelpers

Dear Yelpers:

You think you're smart.  Nope.  You think you're cool.  Wrong again.  You think this is the popularity that you have been yearning to have since high school.  (BUZZ!)  Incorrect.

It's time for you to take the energy that you put into your Yelping, and focus your attention on yourself.  Your "opinion" is not important.  The fact that your meal was ruined by the color of your server's apron, or the shape of the plates, or that they didn't give you anything for free on your birthday just means that you were not a planned pregnancy, and you should be grateful that you made it to full term.

Ouch!  That hurts, doesn't it?  Well, do you think that destroying someone's business is okay?  That demeaning your server or bartender makes you look like you know what you're talking about?  If your opinion REALLY mattered, (it doesn't,) then you should crawl out from your hiding space where you Yelp on your laptop, and talk to someone face-to-face about what upset you.  Sounds scary, doesn't it?  IT IS!!!  But that's why you are a coward and will never amount to anything in this world besides your status an an "Elite Yelper."

Most chefs go to culinary school.  Others learn their trade through mentorship.  Bartenders and servers not only have to learn the menus backwards and forwards, but we also have to be amiable, considerate, multi-taskers, allergists, photographers, therapists, baristas, janitors, mind-readers, and stay professional throughout our shifts.  You just have to be annoying.

If it's that hard to enjoy dining out, than stay home.  As much as you don't want to have a good time, I don't want to wait on you.  Stop getting in the way of other people's fun with your whiny-I-didn't-get-enough-hugs-as-a-kid-selfish-ugly attitude.

And stop trying to impress everyone with the "word of the day" that you learned on your Urban Dictionary app.  In fact, here's the Urban Dictionary definition of a Yelper.  The only qualifications you have is that you watch "Top Chef."  You are ruining the quality of America.

Pull your bottom lip over your heads and swallow.



Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro


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