Skip to main content

My Vodka's not strong enough!


One of the fun things about many restaurants is that not only do they have a creative, seasonal, and fun food menu, many of them also have a drink menu to compliment the food menu. (I'm not talking about the Cheesecake Factory's drink menu! Too many choices. And the poor bartenders who have to learn all of those ridiculous recipes. (One word that you should NEVER associate with bartending is "RECIPES.")

One shift, I had a table of seven people who all ordered drinks.  Everybody ordered some sort of fluffy cocktail, while one girl ordered a Grey Goose Vodka martini. There are three ingredients in this martini: 1. Olives. 2. A glass. And, 3. Vodka. There is very little of the first two, and a lot of number 3. So basically the whole drink is Vodka. Perfect for any lush who thinks that she is still attractive, even though her attractive ship sailed ten years ago. After the first drink, she waves me over... "I love this martini, but I don't feel buzzed, and I would usually would feel a little fuzzy by now. It doesn't take a lot to get me drunk." She raved.

I politely explained, "The only way to make your vodka martini any stronger, would be to use a bigger glass." (And seriously, who doesn't want their drink served in a cauldron?)  She didn't take the hint.

"Well, can you ask the bartender if they could make the martini a bit stronger?  It's the least you could do."

"Of course.  I'll ask him that."  I, actually, was making my own drinks this night.

CUT TO:  20 minutes later...

The "not-drunk-girl" waves me over.  "Where's my drink?"

"I talked to the bartender.  He said he could try to make your vodka martini a bit stronger.  So would you like me to order another one for you?"

"I ALREADY order another one from you.  Get me that drink!"  She barked.  (I say barked because I believe that is her first language.)

"Of course.  It was my miscommunication."  I love this game.  It's the closest thing I can get to punching a customer in the throat.

I go back to the bar, make her martini the exact same way, except... I switched the proportions between vodka and vermouth.  It' the equivalent of putting Visine in someones drink.  Without the side effects of explosive diarrhea.  So now it's a vermouth martini, disguised as a vodka one.

"Here's your stronger "vodka" martini.  Can I get anybody anything else?"  The rest of her friends now finally see the truth about their friend, and apologize and thank me.  Knowing they are going to unfriend his troll after the dinner.

She takes a few sips.  "Wow!  That's a strong vodka martini."

"That it is."  (WINK!)

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of one? Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

A Letter to Yelpers

Dear Yelpers:

You think you're smart.  Nope.  You think you're cool.  Wrong again.  You think this is the popularity that you have been yearning to have since high school.  (BUZZ!)  Incorrect.

It's time for you to take the energy that you put into your Yelping, and focus your attention on yourself.  Your "opinion" is not important.  The fact that your meal was ruined by the color of your server's apron, or the shape of the plates, or that they didn't give you anything for free on your birthday just means that you were not a planned pregnancy, and you should be grateful that you made it to full term.

Ouch!  That hurts, doesn't it?  Well, do you think that destroying someone's business is okay?  That demeaning your server or bartender makes you look like you know what you're talking about?  If your opinion REALLY mattered, (it doesn't,) then you should crawl out from your hiding space where you Yelp on your laptop, and talk to someone face-…

Cover My Shift!!!

The anxiety of trying to get your shift covered at a serving job ranks up there with wondering if the pee stick is going to turn positive or negative after a long night of having shots with your coworkers, and you ended up hooking up with one of them.  Eventually, the pregnancy scare turns out to be negative, you get your shift covered, and everything is right with the world.

But trying to get your shift covered is never easy.  Especially when you feel like you go out of your way to cover other people's shifts when they ask, but when the time comes for you to ask them, it becomes an entire ordeal.

"Hey Steve, would you be able to cover my shift next Wednesday night?  My parents are going to be in town," I asked last Saturday night.

"I might be able to, but I won't know until Tuesday.  Can I get back to you then?" Steve replied.

"That's cutting it close," I said.  "Would you be able to tell me by Monday?"

"I can't cause I h…

Don't Forget Your Teeth

An older lady was dining with her husband, granddaughter, and her granddaughter's boyfriend one night, when the old lady turns to me and says,

"What do you have that's soft to eat?  I forgot my teeth."

Who the hell forgets their teeth?  Let me get this straight, when you looked at yourself in the mirror before you left, you didn't notice something was missing when you smiled?


"I know how you feel," I said, "sometimes I forget my phone.  I feel lost without it."  She just looked at me as if she didn't know what I meant by that because she still uses a rotary phone.  (Look it up.)

I explained that we have soups that she could have, but she was concerned about her choices for salad.  She and her family were using a Groupon, so they had to select from the items on the prefixed menu.

"Is the salad soft?" she asked.

"I could have the kitchen chop it fine for you.  That would make it easier to eat." I replied.  I was also g…