Skip to main content

Stronge' You stink therefore you are!

Dress for success.  First impressions are lasting impressions.  I understand all of that.  But keep this in mind when you are going out to eat; I should not be able to smell you, your perfume or cologne all the way from the other side of the restaurant.

I respect my elders, but I believe it's fair to say that the older you get, the less you can smell.  Especially if you are dousing yourself in Chanel no. 5.  Please ladies, even if your sniffer is out of order, at least count the number of spritzes you depress upon yourself.  It will not only save you money, but save the people around you and the people in the surrounding counties as well.

And for the guys.  The pimps, the players, but mainly... the Persians.  (This is not racist.  I have Persian friends so I am allowed to say this.)  My buddy Lou told me that he asked a Persian why they wear so much cologne.  They said, "My friend, it's because Persian men like to stand out."  Not only do you stand out in a restaurant, but even the garlic cloves have to pinch their noses and run out the door.

But like I said, it's not just Persian men, it's other meatheads as well.  I can only imagine how much cologne some guys must go through in a single week.  Like the old saying goes, a lot goes a long way.  But by the standards of these men, that way is not that long.  (Which reminds me, I need to buy stock in Drakkar Noir.)

And this brings me to the people who don't need to wear any kind of perfume at all.  They wear "Ode de Anus."  They simply smell bad.  The only time I can stand these people is if they are sitting next to the people mentioned above.  They cancel each other out.  In short, take a quick whiff before you depart your dwelling for your night out.  Some people have stunk me out so badly that my contacts have melted.  And if you don't have the money to cover your stench, do what my friend T.K. does in his joke, "I don't wear cologne.  I just drive through Glendale with my windows down."

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of one? Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Excuse Tips

It's ideal for a server to receive 18 to 20 percent gratuity for a job well done.  Now it seems that customers are looking to leave an excuse rather than a monetary tip explaining why they couldn't leave their server any money.  WTF?!! Of course, because my landlord would love to receive an excuse instead of a check for rent this month. "I don't have the money for rent, because I'm a writer/comedian.  But I adore this building.  So secure." The above picture was found on Yahoo.com .  One of the comments said that they thought this was an altered pic, but I have actually seen this happen to myself and co-workers.  And by-the-way, what if the server waiting on the woman was a single parent?  So the lady who wrote this has now started a domino effect on their server who is struggling to make ends meet.  And so on, and so on...  Get bent! I don't believe in saying that if you can't afford to go out, that you should never go out.  T...

10 Ways To Get Better Service At A Restaurant

I have noticed that there are many variables that can lead to a bad dining experience, and for the customer to say that they received "poor service" has become cliche, and just the "go to" for when all things go bad in a restaurant.  Here is a Top 10 list to help customers have a positive experience the next time they dine out. 10.  SIT AT THE FIRST TABLE THE HOST GIVES YOU "This table's too round.  This table's too brown.  This table's just right."  You are not buying real estate.  So for you to pass on the first, then the second, and even the third table option the host gives you is beyond ridiculous.  The tables are all made the same, have four legs, four chairs, (if applicable,) and are strong enough to hold food, drinks, and purses.  And if you pass on a table, now you've messed up the floor plan that the host has prepared at the beginning of their shift, and everybody in the restaurant takes notice as you are aimlessly walking a...

You Got Yelped!!!

As my quest to take down Yelp.com continues, I found another Yelper who continually pushes the boundaries of common decency, and deserves to be outed.  So here I go: Meet Ben P . Or, excuse me, Ben "Benitos" P.  (Whatever the hell that means!)  He seemed to have found his way into Beverly Hills and expected the red carpet to be rolled out for him because he thinks that he is somebody.  Actually, he claims to be a(n) "Iron Yelper America," as it says on his Yelp profile.  When in actuality, Ben is no more than one of the many disillusioned Yelpers who probably should've gotten his ass kicked a bit more on the playground when he was a kid.  (Again, I don't condone violence, but there is something to be said for somebody FINALLY learning their lesson.) Wow I knew going in this place was not going to be good. Right from the start?  How have you made this far in life, Ben?  That should've been the moment for you to turn around and leave. ...