Saturday, January 8, 2011

Can I warm up your caffeine for you?


Throughout my illustrious career serving the lucky people who have walked into the establishment that I was employed at the time, I have served drinks ranging from the "Long Island Ice Tea," to "Soy Vanilla Extreme Ice Blendeds." The difference between the two? Serving drunk people is much easier than serving caffeinated. People who want booze like to "sit and stay." People who need their coffee want to "grab and go." Of course, most towns don't let you order alcoholic drinks to go, unless you're in Vegas or New Orleans. Or if you are courageous enough to have your server put your alcoholic drink in a to go coffee cup. And if you do the latter, double the tip for that server, and admit to him that you are an alcoholic.

I worked at The Coffee Bean for five months one year, and that was the longest five months of my life. All of the bartending gigs I have had seemed to be a blur, (not just because of the booze,) but seemingly because time stands still when you are being ordered around by a customer twitching for their "double-short-nonfat-2 pump-no sugar added-soy-latte-w/easy whip." And of course the kicker, after I had made that drink for said customer, I had to say, "double-short-nonfat-2 pump-no sugar added-soy-latte-w/easy whip for Tim the Twitcher."

Here's how specific coffee junkies are: I was serving a customer their "French Press" coffee. I poured it at the table for him. He points to his cup and says, "What's that?"

I being the professional smart-ass reply, "That's coffee."

He comes back with, "What are those bubbles in my coffee?"

I peer into his cup, look back at him and confess, "That's what happens when you pour coffee from a pot, into a cup. Would you rather have the 'bubble-free' coffee?"

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter, party of one? Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro

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