Skip to main content

Subjectively Corked



As a comedian, it's true to say that comedy is very subjective.  As a servant of the service industry, the same can be said for wine.  Depending on your palate, your taste preferences, and the strength of the Earth's gravitational pull that day can determine what you taste or smell in a glass of wine.

One particular shift, an older man and woman were seated in my section.  They began their meal by presenting me with two drinks tickets given to them by the front desk of the hotel.  The tickets entitled them to two glasses of house wine, or champagne, or two well cocktails.  The husband felt he needed to educate me on what he should get for their FREE drinks.

"Do these two tickets get us two free drinks."  He started.

"Yes they do."  I professionally replied.

"Me and the Mrs. would like two glasses of your best Chardonnay.  The best that you can give us.  What is your best Chardonnay?"

"The best house Chardonnay?  That would be the Trinity Oaks from Napa."  I said, trying to steer him in the direction that these drinks were complimentary, meaning you get the cheap grapes that were fermented into a cheaper wine, thrown in a bottle and slapped with a cheesy, cheap label.

"Is that the Napa Valley?"  He asked.

"The world famous Napa Valley."  Are you serious?  No, it's the Napa Ravine.  The grapes grow on the side of a mountain like Bonsai Trees.

Meanwhile, his wife is reading through our extensive wine list.  "I'm looking for an "oaky" Chard."  She stated.

"The Trinity Oaks is pretty oaky."  I answered.  Hence the name... Trinity OAKS.

"Are the drink tickets only for two glasses of wine?  Or can we use them for a bottle since the two of us are drinking?"  She innocently asked.

(When people would ask me questions like, I seriously have to take a look around the room to see if Ashton Kutcher is hiding somewhere.  --"You've been Punk'd, biaatch!")

"It's a complimentary DRINK per drink ticket.  The number of people drinking don't factor into the equation."

"I guess we'll have to get two more tickets so we can get a bottle."  The husband joked.

"Great idea."  I quickly responded.  "While you're working on that, I'll get your two glasses of "oaky" Trinity Oaks Chardonnay from the Napa Valley."

I bring them the two glasses of wine, they each take a few sips, while husband continually tells me, "My wife knows her wine.  She's what you call a wine expert."

No, that's what you call a "Wino."

CUT TO:  

They order a bottle of wine.  (Oaky, of course.)  They tell me to take their two half full glasses of Trinity Chard to the front desk person who gave them the drink tickets, and "make him drink them."

Then, things took a turn for the weirder...

"First of all," the husband started off, "that Trinity Chard was the best Chard you have available by the glass?"

"No, sir."  I explained.  "It is the ONLY available Chard we have by the glass when you are paying with a drink ticket."

Then the wife chimed in.  "Well, I've had boxed wine that was better."  Really?!  I'll have to refer to my parents on that one.  Franzia anyone?  "And the bottle of wine you suggested, wasn't that oaky.  In fact, it wasn't oaky at all."

"I guess that's why wine is subjective, Ma'am.  But if you'd like some more oak in your wine, I'd be happy to break off a piece of wood from the decor."

Until next time... Server's don't pay their rent with compliments.

"Bitter.  Party of one? Your table is ready."

The Bitter Bistro

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

10 Ways To Get Better Service At A Restaurant

I have noticed that there are many variables that can lead to a bad dining experience, and for the customer to say that they received "poor service" has become cliche, and just the "go to" for when all things go bad in a restaurant.  Here is a Top 10 list to help customers have a positive experience the next time they dine out. 10.  SIT AT THE FIRST TABLE THE HOST GIVES YOU "This table's too round.  This table's too brown.  This table's just right."  You are not buying real estate.  So for you to pass on the first, then the second, and even the third table option the host gives you is beyond ridiculous.  The tables are all made the same, have four legs, four chairs, (if applicable,) and are strong enough to hold food, drinks, and purses.  And if you pass on a table, now you've messed up the floor plan that the host has prepared at the beginning of their shift, and everybody in the restaurant takes notice as you are aimlessly walking a

You Got Yelped!!!

As my quest to take down Yelp.com continues, I found another Yelper who continually pushes the boundaries of common decency, and deserves to be outed.  So here I go: Meet Ben P . Or, excuse me, Ben "Benitos" P.  (Whatever the hell that means!)  He seemed to have found his way into Beverly Hills and expected the red carpet to be rolled out for him because he thinks that he is somebody.  Actually, he claims to be a(n) "Iron Yelper America," as it says on his Yelp profile.  When in actuality, Ben is no more than one of the many disillusioned Yelpers who probably should've gotten his ass kicked a bit more on the playground when he was a kid.  (Again, I don't condone violence, but there is something to be said for somebody FINALLY learning their lesson.) Wow I knew going in this place was not going to be good. Right from the start?  How have you made this far in life, Ben?  That should've been the moment for you to turn around and leave.  And not

Excuse Tips

It's ideal for a server to receive 18 to 20 percent gratuity for a job well done.  Now it seems that customers are looking to leave an excuse rather than a monetary tip explaining why they couldn't leave their server any money.  WTF?!! Of course, because my landlord would love to receive an excuse instead of a check for rent this month. "I don't have the money for rent, because I'm a writer/comedian.  But I adore this building.  So secure." The above picture was found on Yahoo.com .  One of the comments said that they thought this was an altered pic, but I have actually seen this happen to myself and co-workers.  And by-the-way, what if the server waiting on the woman was a single parent?  So the lady who wrote this has now started a domino effect on their server who is struggling to make ends meet.  And so on, and so on...  Get bent! I don't believe in saying that if you can't afford to go out, that you should never go out.  There are ways t